Marijuana Simpson

"No copyright intended, all credit to @homer_marijuana".

built from reference: scribd, puthtml.


what the fuck is freezine?

What if Homer Simpson smoked weed
Next project im working on

done (pronounced like 'bone')

Can you imagine if Homer Simpson smoked weed?
Does Homer smoke weed? No? Well, what if he did? can you imagine what it would be like? Thank you.
PSYCHIATRIST

and how does it make you feel that Homer Simpson smoke weed?

ME

well, he doesn't. but i often imagine if he did.

ME

Homer, would you smoke this weed with me?

HOMER

Well, I never have... But I know you've often thought about it.

ESTRAGON

He wouldn't.

VLADIMIR

He could.

ESTRAGON

Homer... smoke weed?

VLADIMIR

He might.

ESTRAGON

But why?

VLADIMIR

Why not?

BUSH

And then what if Homer puffed it? Like this [pantomimes puffing joint]

CHENEY

[laughing] Bush you are insane

BUSH

It could happen.

MORRIS

[frankly] Did Homer Simpson smoke weed?

RUMSFELD

[long pause, then a sad grin] I don't know

MORRIS

You don't--

RUMSFELD

I do not.

MCDONALDS

Can i take your order sir

ME

marijuana simpson?

MCDONALDS

excuse me?

ME

sorry. was thinking about ho0mer smoke weed

MCD

o ok

MCDONALDS

order sir?

ME

iwantto-know-about-you

MCD

i can't sir

ME

why though?

MCD

it's-againstthelaw

ME

ur-a-person-2-me

MCD

thxbutno

Next up we have [emcee squints and does a quadruple take] m-m-m-m [another quadruple take, eyes widen] Marijuana Simpson?!
SETHROGEN

BUhhh i mean f*cking... what if though? Homer simpson hiting a blunt, why not

LETTERMAN

[stares blankly into audience]

What if Duff Beer was called Puff, and instead of being beer it was weed, and Homer smoked it in a joint with his friends Moe and Bart
BART is rolling a joint
HOMER enters
BART

Oh, hey. Was just about to toke

HOMER

OK. Let's do this then.

BART

Light it up, then.

HOMER

ok

HOMER

This is some good herb

BART

I got it from my friend Moe

HOMER

Moe the bartender?

BART

He's also a weed dealer.

HOMER

Ah. Hit this

BART

Pretty stoned

HOMER

ME as well

BART

Moe as the good stuff

HOMER

It get's me blazed

BART

How come you never showed me how to skate?

HOMER

You were always toking on Moe's herb.

BART

Of course

HOMER

I'm still your father.

BART

I think it's cool you smoke green with me.

BART

Have you ever toked out and played videogames?

HOMER

Ah, [hitting joint] I'm older than most. It's beyond me.

BART

I'll teach you.

HOMER

I'm not sure.

BART

Why? It's easy, father.

HOMER

I feel as if I should tend to my various responsibilities.

BART

I understand.

MAGGIE enters room
MAGGIE

Can I get in on this?

HOMER

[holding in smoke] Come hit this.

BART

Come and toke, sis.

MAGGIE

This is some good shit.

BART

It's from Afghanistan.

MAGGIE

I'm worried about the war there.

HOMER

Oh, shut up. Hit this.

BART

You're too conscientious, Mags.

HOMER

Agreed.

MAGGIE

I like to smoke weed too. But I am also a dialectic thinker

HOMER

[eyes widen] You MUST be kidding me.

MAGGIE

I know, [coughs] it sounds silly.

BART

I only care about blazing and enjoying myself.

HOMER

Here's to that [he produces a large blunt]

BART

You had that the whole time?

MAGGIE

It's from his personal stash.

HOMER

Yep.

MARGE enters
MARGE

What goes on here? You smokin' with out me?

HOMER

Oh, shit. Sorry. Hit this spliff, then, if you want.

BART

Hey ma.

MAGGIE

It's good that we can smoke tons of weed as a family

BART

Hear, hear

HOMER

It's strange but enjoyable.

WIGGUM enters
WIGGUM

What goes on here? Smoking without me?

HOMER

[holding in smoke] [points at Marge] She just said the same thing.

WIGGUM

Gosh, I haven't smoked in ages.

BART

What's that mean? Since this morning?

[the family laughs]

WIGGUM

Come on now. Lemme hit it.

WIGGUM

[hits Homer's blunt] This is the good stuff.

HOMER

[satisfied] You know it.

BART

Would you expect any less from my father?

MAGGIE

[visibly stoned] I'm becoming more concerned about the war in Afghanistan.

MARGE

Oh come off it, you wet blanket! Shut your mouth!

MAGGIE

I'm serious.

HOMER

We know... That's your problem. You're TOO serious.

BART

She spends too much time in her own head.

MAGGIE

I'm comfortable in my own head.

HOMER

That's what the weed is for.

[everybody except Maggie laughs.]

BART

Good one, Dad.

HOMER

Forget about Maggie. Is anybody here NOT stoned? And where the hell is my other son?

BART

Ken was at the bowling alley, last I heard

KEN enters
KEN

You bastards talking shit?

BART

God, Ken. You are too brash. Calm down.

LISA

Hi, Ken. We were toking just now.

MARGE

[to HOMER] Lisa is the only one who can communicate with Ken. He shuts the rest of us out of his life.

HOMER

He has problems.

HOMER

[to Marge] Marijuana helps him open up.

MARGE

"Marijuana?" Homer, you are such a square!

HOMER

A square with a big fat blunt.

MARGE

Speaking of, let me hit that?

HOMER

I don't have it.

MARGE

What... Who has the blunt?

WIGGUM

I have it.

MARGE

Pass it here.

MOE enters.
MOE

What the hell? No one told me about this smoke sesh.

BART

It's getting crowded in my room. We should go.

HOMER

Go where?

MAGGIE

Why not let's go to the gazebo?

BART

"Why not let's?" Somebody's high.

MAGGIE

Read a book sometime, moron.

BART

No thanks.

IN THE GAZEBO:
MOE

Great. Hopefully the cops don't come by.

BART

Oh shut up, and hit this fat blunt before I change my mind.

MOE

Spicy!

HOMER

The cops can't see us back here anyway. That's why I call it the "Herb Fortress."

MAGGIE

Nice name.

BART

Don't be a smart ass, Mags

MOE

God damn! This is some good shit!

BART

It's your own weed, doofus!

HOMER

Actually I got that weed from Apu, the man from the store.

APU enters
APU

What's going on. Smoking without me?

HOMER

Apu, hi. We were just talking about you. Well... your weed at least.

APU

Nice.

MOE

You moving in on my territory, Apu?

[tense silence among the group]

MOE

I'm only screwing around. We're friends

HOMER

Phew...

BART

I can safely say that I'm high as hell. Now if only we had some snacks.

APU

Well guess what. I work at the store, and I have snacks.

KEN

I'm sick of this fucking gazebo.

MARGE

Language!

HOMER

What's your problem, Ken?

MAGGIE

Calm down, Ken. It's OK

BART

Shut up, Ken.

HOMER

I don't understand how I have two great kids and one awful one.

MARGE

Homer! Not nice!

MAGGIE

Be fair, dad.

BART

He's right.

BART

Ken is a nuisance.

KEN

Guys, I can hear you.

HOMER

We know, Ken. You need to hear this. Put the blunt down. You're done for today.

MAGGIE

Can we lay off Ken now? He's been through a lot. Let's just toke and relax.

MOE

Cheers to that.

WIGGUM

Amen.

APU

I came here to smoke out in a gazebo, not to get the willies from some nasty family drama.

BART

Yeah, I'm freaking out. Pass the rock.

HOMER

Could you please leave, Ken?

MAGGIE

Dad!

HOMER

I'm the father.

MARGE

You're also bogarting that blunt. Pass that shit.

APU

You guys remind me of my family. Always fighting.

HOMER

The weed helps.

WIGGUM

[exhaling huge hit] Obviously not.

FLANDERS

Can I hit that dope?

MAGGIE

Who calls it "dope?"

FLANDERS

I just did, you little snot. Now shut your mouth and pass that shit.

MARGE

You can't talk to my children like that, Flanders.

HOMER

OUR children.

MARGE

... That was implied. Sheesh, how stoned are you?

HOMER

This fatty is almost gone. Who has more bud?

APU

I don't carry that shit with me.

MOE

Don't look at me... for both our sakes

HOMER

Son?

BART

That was the last of mine, father. I didn't think there would be so many people smoking it.

FLANDERS

I only got one hit.

MAGGIE

Who cares, Flanders? It's not like you ever pay for it.

FLANDERS

Yet I put up with your trumpet playing at all hours of the night.

MAGGIE

Shut up.

HOMER

Folks, let's just calm down. Stoners like us are supposed to be docile, remember?

MARGE

My husband is right. Chill.

BART

I'm not going to be able to relax until I have more god damn green to toke.

MARGE

Language, Bart! Language!

BART

Sorry.

HOMER

Apu, can we swing by your place?

APU

I don't keep my shit at my place.

HOMER

Where then?

APU

It's at the honeycomb hideout.

Man Hollering And Stomping Because His Friends Been Discussing Rare Birds All Night And He Couldn't Find a Jumping In Point
HOMER

Well let's go to the damn hideout, then!

APU

You need to chill.

MAGGIE

Dad!

MARGE

Homer, calm yourself.

BART

I want to smoke.

WIGGUM

I come all the way over here to smoke and you losers have almost no weed? I'm out.

APU

Me too.

MOE

This is lame.

Bartswanna
HOMER

Now we're left alone in the gazebo with our family problems.

BART

I can't deal with this right now. I'm going to go listen to music.

MAGGIE

This is pathetic.

HOMER

Oh, shut up.

MAGGIE

You're all a bunch of drug addicts.

MARGE

Like you didn't just hit the blunt 5 times

MAGGIE

I smoke to release my latent creativity

HOMER

Well I smoke to get fucked up. And this is my gazebo.

MAGGIE

I'm out of here

MARGE

Well, now it's just me and you.

HOMER

Where did Ken go?

MARGE

Who cares?

HOMER

Good point.

MARGE

I have things to do. I'm going to go.

HOMER

Great. Just leave me out here... stoned and by myself.

MARGE

Bye, Homer.

[The sun is setting. Homer smacks a mosquito on his forearm]
HOMER

I had such high hopes for this afternoon.

HOMER

Smoking weed with my family is only a temporary solution to our problems. It seems to unite us, but it only makes us more distant.

HOMER

My daughter is a pedant, my sons are worthless. I have no friends. People only associate with me because they know I share my weed.

HOMER

We are apart even when we are together. The drugs only widen the gulf between us by creating the illusion of a bond.

HOMER

It has become a substitute for genuine love and connection. We're only a family when there is a blunt being passed among us.

Layaway haha lol sounds like what my wife wants me to do at night, in terms of the amount of physical space between my body and hers, becaus
HOMER

I know I need to do something. But I'm so high... so high. I think I'll just lie down for now. I'll remember this when I'm sober.

HOMER lies down on the gazebo bench. He tosses and turns at first before drifting comfortably off to sleep. The sun sets.
-END-
HOMER

Sonic, what gives? You've taken nearly 7 hits.

SONIC

[exhaling huge hit] My weed, my rules.

HOMER

Come on. Be fair.

HOMER

Your bad boy persona alienates you from your peers.

SONIC

I don't care. I need to be higher than everyone around me.

HOMER

Not good

HOMER

You don't care at all about others?

SONIC

You act like you're just realizing this.

HOMER

Maybe I'm just stoned. I don't know.

SONIC

I understand your concerns. I just don't care about them.

HOMER

I know you're selfish but why do you need to be so brash?

SONIC

[passes the blunt to Homer] Hit this shit and shut your mouth.

HOMER

[takes the blunt] Don't talk to me like that. It bothers me.

SONIC

You're getting blazed on my dime. I'll talk to you however I want.

HOMER

You didn't use to be like this. You changed.

HOMER

You use weed to make friends, but then you treat them poorly. It's hurtful behavior.

SONIC

[exhales huge hit in Homer's face]

HOMER

Why won't you take this seriously?

SONIC

Because you sound like a babbling stoned idiot. You're not making any sense.

HOMER

Why won't you take this seriously?

SONIC

Because you sound like a babbling stoned idiot. You're not making any sense.

HOMER

It's true that I get emotional when I'm high, but I really do feel this way, even sober.

SONIC

Give me the blunt. You're done.

HOMER

I called you out and now you're withholding weed. This is what I'm talking about.

SONIC

Be gone. Let me smoke in peace.

HOMER

You don't want me to leave.

SONIC

You know I'm a teenager, right? Do you know how weird this is?

HOMER

You're 19. Hardly a teenager

SONIC

Yeah. NineTEEN.

HOMER

I'd like to say you're mature for your age but that's not the case.

SONIC

[exhales huge hit] Whatever old man

HOMER

What made you like this?

SONIC

You know what.

HOMER

Your father's death? But you hated him.

SONIC

Can we change the subject?

HOMER

I just feel like I've lost a friend.

SONIC

I'm right here, asshole.

HOMER

You're there but you're not.

SONIC

And why are you here?

HOMER

Why can't we talk about your father.

SONIC

Drop it, Homer.

HOMER

No. I won't.

SONIC

Drop it or get out of my apartment.

i'm not sure if he ever has, but i think if he wanted to, homer simpson could probably smoke weed
do you think homer simpson could inhale the smoke from the burning marijuana deep into his lungs, then exhale, becoming intoxicated?
do you know if homer simpson has ever inhaled the smoke of the marijuana plant? i'm not sure. it would make him high pretty easily.
have you ever wondered if homer simpson could breathe in the acrid smoke of the green marijuana buds? i think it might get him pretty high.
GOKU

Why are you two fighting always? We can't just toke?

SONIC

He's bothering me.

HOMER

Sonic has unresolved issues.

i'm not sure if homer has ever taken a drag from the marijuana cigarette or a pipe, which would cause him to become high because of the THC.
is it really so hard to imagine homer simpson lighting the blunt, inhaling the smoke, and becoming high?
MARGE

You smell that? Weed?

HOMER

Bart might be smoking in his bedroom. I sometimes wonder if I am capable of smoking weed.

BART

I smoke weed all the time.

MAGGIE

I smoke weed sometimes.

HOMER

I'm thinking about smoking weed all fucking day.

MARGE

I enjoy a good toke.

BART

I never stop smoking.

LISA

I smoke weed at the appropriate time.

HOMER

I'm addicted to weed.

it's hard for me to imagine a world in which it would be unthinkable for homer simpson to responsibly and moderately enjoy smoking marijuana
Homer Simpson holds the flame of the lighter to the tip of the joint. As he puffs on the unlit end of the joint, he begins to feel stoned.
Homer continues to smoke the joint. Eventually, he experiences diminishing returns. He is as high as he can possibly be.
Homer Simpson is high on marijuana and thinking about his family.
I
think
it
isn't
unimaginable
that
Homer
Simpson
might
smoke
weed
at
some
point
in
the
future.
A

Do you think he could do it?

B

Homer? Smoke weed?

A

Yes.

B

I don't see why not.

A

I feel the same way.

B

It's totally possible!

I nervously extend the blunt to Homer.
"D-d-do you want to try some, sir?" I stammer.
"I don't see why not," he replies, taking the blunt
HOMER

I am a confident, well-to-do, middle aged man. There's nothing wrong with me enjoying some marijuana in moderation.

Homer losing sleep while images of Barney being 2 drunk 2 toke & dropping the joint on the floor flash by. What happened to his friend?
HOMER

I need to pick up some weed after work, do you need anything while I'm in town?

MARGE

Thanks but I don't think so.

FLANDERS

Weed helps me cope with my problems.

BART

I like weed because it makes me feel good.

MOE

I smoke weed to relax and reduce stress

LISA

Weed helps me be more creative.

MAGGIE

Smoking weed helps clear my mind.

HOMER

Smoking weed helps me love my family.

marijuana simpson
all you peeps DMing me & stuff demanding to "get peter involved" shouldn't evenbe reading this twitter because you obviously dont know shit
REPORTER

What do you like most about pot?

HOMER

When I smoke it, my body starts to change. I see things differently. My son is everything

TROPICAL MAN is holding the piece too long
HOMER

It's not a microphone.

BART

Don't park on the grass.

MIYAMOTO

-laughs- anything can happen

MIYAMOTO

-still laughing- I can definitely see us making that work

IWATA

Homer can do it -laughs-

HOMER rips on the bong and spews
SMITHERS

Problem, Mr. Simpson?

BURNS

Are you upset

HOMER

This is schwag

SMITHERS

e-excuse me sir?

BURNS

Do you know how much that cost?

HOMER

There's no crystals on it

SMITHERS examines the pot

SMITHERS

Sir?

BURNS

Yes, Smithers?

SMITHERS

There are no crystals on this sir

BURNS

This is ridiculous. Get Mayor Quimby on the phone

Just packed a fat bowl...I hope Homer Simpson doesn't come light it up, LOL. If he broke into my home I would nuke him. I want to kill Homer
MARGE

Tragedy has struck

HOMER

Why would they do this? Why would they attack us

BART

What's going on?

HOMER

The USA has been attacked

Shawn michaels hbk - aka shawn michaels homer burnin kindbud
BART

Why?

HOMER

We don't know

BART

What's going to happen

MARGE

A war is going to happen

BART

Am I safe?

Would Snoop Dogg Smoke Weed With Homer Simpson, If Given The Chance? Many Of My Friends Say Yes
HOMER

How low can you go

BART

To de flo

HOMER

How low can you go

BART

to the flo

HOMER

How low can you go

BART

To the flo

HOMER

How lo

LATER
HOMER

My son has been drafted

LENNY

Homer..

HOMER Takes a hit

HOMER

This is unreal

LENNY

He's so young

HOMER

He's going to Iraq

BART

I'm going to miss you guys

HOMER

How about one last blunt?

BART

Dad...I can't

HOMER

For old time's sake

BART

...Let's do it

Homer smokes weed, in the past, present, and future.
HOMER

I'm going to miss this

BART

This treehouse is home to good memories

HOMER

I made sure to get good shit

BART

It's really good pot

HOMER

It's the Moe shit

BART

It's so sticky

[LONG SILENCE]

HOMER

Maybe Iraq has the good stuff?

BART

Yeah. Maybe.

HOMER

Yeah...

BART

I'm freaking out dad

HOMER

It's just pot man

BART

Not the pot. Dad, I'm scared

HOMER

Me too..but you're smart. It will be fine

BART

Why did they take over those planes? Why'd they ruin our peaceful life?

HOMER

They hate our freedom

BART

Why?

HOMER

It's complex

BART

It's time to go

HOMER

Son, I'm really proud of you

BART

Dad. I love you

HOMER

You'll always be my son

BART boards the bus

LISA

I'm wondering if we depend on herb too much as a family.

HOMER

[blows a massive hit in her face] You depend on my herb. Now be gone.

HOMER

My marriage is ruined. I can't look ken in the face without feeling rage. But this bud just keeps getting better.

marijuanasimpson
To imagine Homer
hitting a blunt
is easier for me
than breathing
or drinking
a glass
of cool water.
HOMER

[sobbing] I miss him. I miss him

MOE

Homer...

SONIC

Take care of business at home. Bart can take care of himself. Now hit this.

I can see it so clearly. Homer pulls out the bowl and clears the bong. The cool clear bong water churns wildly. He exhales and grins.
HOMER

So I just pull the thing out and inhale?

MOE

Yeah, make sure y--

HOMER

I'm joking. I know how to smoke a bong. Pass that shit.

MARGE

I miss our son

HOMER

Can I please just relax and blaze?

MARGE

I'm sorry

HOMER

You act like he's already dead. He's fine. Hit this.

MARGE

You're not worried about Bart in Iraq?

HOMER

Of course I am [exhales huge hit] That's why I'm smoking this kush.

HOMER

I don't agree with the war in Iraq. [exhales massive hit] I miss my son.

MOE

Christ... [exhales blunt hit] ...I never thought my son would be fighting in Iraq

HOMER

[hits blunt] Moe you don't even have a son.

APRIL is the cruMarijuana Simponellest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the deaMarijuana Simpsonxing
Memory anMARIJUANASIMPSOnd desire, s
And I wilMARIJUANASIMEnoil show you something different froMarijuanaSImpson?m either Your shadow at morning str
MARGE

My son is not a killer.

HOMER

[hits the blunt] He'll be fine

MARGE

You're OK with this?

HOMER

What choice do I have? Now hit this.

HOMER

I haven't seen tropical man recently

CARL

we're all worried

SMITHERS

is he fighting for our freedom?

SCENE: IRAQ BASE
BART

there's no kush here. I'm dry as a bone

TROPICAL MAN

They only smoke hash here

BART

it's you!

TROPICAL MAN

they got me too

BART

Do you have hash?

TROPICAL MAN

I have a lot of hashish to smoke

BART

let's hit it

BART

This war has changed me a lot.

TROPICAL MAN

Yeah.

BART

But I still love to get high

TROPICAL MAN

Yeah.

LISA

Smoking AGAIN?

HOMER

I have a son in Iraq and my daughter is a devil

LISA

What?

HOMER

You're grounded from smoking weed.

SMITHERS leaves embarrassed
CARL What's wrong with him
LENNY

He's been burping all day

HOMER

He swallowed the hit

HOMER

I can't focus on this job

CARL

Maybe you should go home. Roll a J

HOMER

I need to earn for my family. What's left of it anyway

BURNS enters
BURNS

Simpson. We need to talk

HOMER

I'm sorry about my performance.

BURNS

It's about something else. Your pamphlets.

HOMER

I'm anti-war. My son is over there. I haven't heard from him

BURNS

You can't bring politics to the workplace

HOMER

This is crazy.

BURNS

The weed is one thing. We all love to toke. But you've gone too far

HOMER

You cant silence me.

BURNS

I can't. But I can cut you off

BURNS picks up phone
BURNS

Moe.

HOMER

Don't do this to me

BURNS

Cut him off.

HOMER

No.

BURNS

You dug your own grave

HOMER

No! My son!

BURNS

Your son is doing something noble

HOMER

The government made him their puppet

BURNS

You need to keep this out of my plant

HOMER

You need to keep your hands off of MY plant

BURNS

I'm afraid it can't be undone

HOMER

I'll find another dealer

BURNS

With shit as good as Moe's?

HOMER

...

BURNS

Go ahead. Make my day.

[HOMER, IN RAIN, DISTRAUGHT]

This is fucked up.

[VAN PARKS NEAR HIM]

VOICE

I heard you need goods

HOMER

Who are you?

VOICE

Circus Bob

HOMER

Circus Bob?

CIRCUS BOB

Correct.

HOMER

What do you have for me

CIRCUS BOB

I'll show you

CIRCUS BOB REVEALS TRUNK OF GREEN, WEAPONS
HOMER

That's too much

CIRCUS BOB

Too much of a good thing?

HOMER

The saying is true

CIRCUS BOB

Fine. Have it your way™

[AT MOE'S]
HOMER

Moe.

MOE

Homer.

HOMER

You can't be okay with this.

MOE

I'm afraid I am

HOMER

but...

MOE

Money talks

HOMER

But you're my friend.

MOE

We were never friends. This was all business

HOMER

But we toked on it together

MOE

I did with many.

HOMER

You snake. You know what I'm going through

MOE

We all have problems, Homer.

HOMER

You knew Bart. You loved him

MOE

...

HOMER

You came to my home. You ate dinner with my family.

MOE

You spent $40,000 on weed in the past 3 years.

MOE

..I did but, these are War Times

HOMER

I'm against it

MOE

Don't you fucking see? We all are

HOMER

But my son

MOE

How many others?

[MOE turns away]
HOMER

Give your weed to me

MOE

I can't do that

HOMER

I need to smoke

[HOMER exits]

[Simpsons Residence]
HOMER

I'm home

MARGE

You have a visitor

HOMER

is someone visiting?

LISA

There's a visitor

HOMER

Who visits?

[CIRCUS BOB lounges on couch]
HOMER

Bob

CIRCUS BOB

How's my offer sounding?

HOMER

I can't afford it

[HOMER Packs final bowl]

[CIRCUS BOB glances out back window]
HOMER

What are you thinking

MARGE

It's obvious

KEN

We all know.

HOMER

...

HOMER

No

CIRCUS BOB

They don't make them like that anymore

HOMER

That place is sacred

MARGE

Give him what he wants

HOMER

That gazebo is special

CIRCUS BOB

I just want access. 24/7

HOMER

My family lives here

CIRCUS BOB

I won't interfere

HOMER

We built that together [Takes hit]

[CIRCUS BOB reveals blunt]
MARGE

Homer...

LISA

look at it

HOMER

Is that....

CIRCUS BOB

Vintage White Grape Game cigar.

HOMER

How?

CIRCUS BOB

I have guys

HOMER

Can I see it

[CIRCUS BOB hands over blunt]

HOMER

[inhales sharply] Bob

CIRCUS BOB

Yes?

HOMER

This is mids.

CIRCUS BOB, SCOWLING

You think I'd bring the good shit here? To this slum?

MARGE

We're in debt

HOMER

Show me your kush

CIRCUS BOB

Let's take this to the Gazebo. I'd love to see inside

HOMER

Fine. But my son loves that Gazebo

[SCENE: GAZEBO]
HOMER

This..

CIRCUS BOB

Iraqi Hash

HOMER

How did you..

CIRCUS BOB

I have a man in their base

HOMER

My son is there

CIRCUS BOB

Your son is doing fine. I know all about him.

HOMER

Is he safe?

CIRCUS BOB

He's hitting the bong as we speak

HOMER

Thank god

HOMER

And Tropical Man?

CIRCUS BOB

MIA. Two weeks.

HOMER

My god...

CIRCUS BOB

Let's get to business

HOMER

Bob...I need to see my son

CIRCUS BOB

Full access, Homer.

HOMER

....Will my family be fine?

CIRCUS BOB

Like they were my own

HOMER

I agree to the deal.

CIRCUS BOB

I can arrange your goals to be met

HOMER

We need to do something first

CIRCUS BOB

I packed it already

HOMER

Let me get greens

CIRCUS BOB

No. [TAKES MASSIVE HIT]

HOMER

... This is shady

CIRCUS BOB

Take your hit

HOMER

It's kicked

CIRCUS BOB

What?

HOMER

It's beat

CIRCUS BOB

I don't...

HOMER

What do you say? The weed is burnt.

CIRCUS BOB

Cashed?

HOMER

Okay. it's Cashed

CIRCUS BOB

Kicked? Why?

HOMER

It's just what we say here

CIRCUS BOB

I always said cashed

HOMER

My father said beat. But I say kicked

KEN

I say kicked too

CIRCUS BOB

That's weird

HOMER

Can you repack this fucking shit? I need to smoke

CIRCUS BOB

It's packed

HOMER

Thanks

CIRCUS BOB

You'll leave for Iraq tomorrow

HOMER

I'm doing this for my son

CIRCUS BOB

I know. [Exhales]

LINDA

I'm worried about my father. He provides for us but he spends all his time upgrading his weed accessories and buying more weed.

LISA

It's important for a father to bring home big sacks of weed for his family to smoke.

MARGE

[exhales huge bong hit] Hear fucking hear

BART

I'm scared being over here. I miss the comforts of home and chiefing with my father and sister.

MIKE

I don't smoke but I'm terrified.

LISA

Do you think our brother will ever come home?

MAGGIE

There's no way of knowing

LISA

All I want is to chief with him.

CARL

I'm worried about the Simpson family

MOE

That boy belongs in Iraq

CARL

Moe...

MOE

I don't care.

CARL

He's only 19

MOE

Fuck you

FLANDERS

Are the Simpsons okay?

HOLY MAN

All of gods children make of out okay

FLANDERS

This shit is serious. Can you shut the fuck up?

LENNY

Homer hasn't posted on grass city for days

BARNEY

He's not out and about

APU

Homer has his own plans

SERGEANT

Get on the fucking floor, Simpson.

BART

I'm a normal comfortable American boy. I'm not a warrior.

SERGEANT

On the fucking floor.

SMITHERS

I think you pushed Homer too far

BURNS

I made the wrong choice. We're all concerned for homer

SMITHERS

Its not a microphone

SERGEANT

You've been a piece of stoner shit on the heel of my boot since day 1.

BART

At home I make all of my friends laugh. I'm loved

HOMER

Can we smoke on this plane?

CIRCUS BOB

What? After the attacks? Not anymore.

HOMER

What have they done to us...

MAGGIE

I don't believe in this war

LISA

Please pass the J

MAGGIE

Our brother is brave and our ancestors would be proud

LISA

Don't bogart

SERGEANT

Don't worry about al Qaeda. I'm your new worst enemy

[he exits]

BART

I want to be smoking weed in my living room with my family

HOMER

The security guards didn't find my blunt wraps

CIRCUS BOB

They don't know what it is. They only smoke hash

HOMER

Fucking animals

BART

At home I am loved and adored. In this strange country I am treated like a dog and denied my humanity. My identity is disintegrating.

BART

I took my family and the comforts of home for granted. Now I am at the nadir of my brief life. I long for the comfort of marijuana

BART

I try to fit in but I am not made for war. I am a peaceful stoner boy. How I miss my father. How I miss my bubblers and chillums.

BART

I feel naive to have been so complacent and serene back home. But how could I know that I would soon be asked to kill a human being?

BART

Last night I awoke from a dream, trying to grab a passed blunt that wasn't really there. I feel this emptiness at all times.

BART

I am no longer a peaceful and gregarious weed smoker. I am an attack dog of the imperialist state. My only function is to kill.

BART

I need to learn to suppress my emotions, my longings for home. The only way for me to survive is to accept that I am a killer.

BART

I am a soldier now. There is now way out. There is no going home. There is no home. I will die in this desert.

MARGE

I made bbq'd lobster cheddar portabello caps, maple glazed asparagus, fresh quahogs...

LISA

Leave me alone

MARGE

You need to smoke

MARGE

I don't know where my husband's gone

MAGGIE

He's probably re-upping? We're dry.

MARGE

This family used to smoke an ounce per day

MAGGIE

You don't think it's problematic to gauge our family's success by marijuana consumption?

MARGE

[exhales huge blunt hit] Go to bed.

ABE

This medicinal grade sure is good shit. I really like it.

[inhales from vapor whip]

ABE

It eases my pain

[EXT. NIGHT
MOE knocks over a trash can on the Simpsons' front lawn. MARGE comes out in a bathrobe]
MARGE

Moe?

MOE

Where's your husband?

MARGE

You're drunk.

MOE

I'm drunk and I'm high.

MARGE

Go home, Moe.

MOE

I miss him so much.

MARGE

We don't know where he is.

MOE

Is he in trouble?

MARGE

Maybe. But if he is, I know he's doing it for our family.

MOE

He's such a good man.

MARGE

[smiling] He is... he is.

MOE

I can't drive like this.

MARGE

Come have a toke. I'll wake the kids.

MARGE

Sorry, all we have is spice from the gas station.

MOE

I don't smoke that crap.

MARGE

Too good for spice, are we?

MOE

I'm sorry about Bart.

MARGE

What about him?

MOE

You know... The whole Iraq thing.

MARGE

Bart will be fine. He's a survivor.

CIRCUS BOB

My guy will let us in the base tonight. We'll wait on this hill

HOMER

Let's smoke some more

CIRCUS BOB

Way ahead of you

HOMER

[exhales] I can see the whole facility

CIRCUS BOB

It's where I deal

HOMER

What are they doing to my son

HOMER

I've been letting my kid smoke weed since third grade. But was it right? He's too soft. He's not ready for this. I'm not either.

HOMER

I've been chiefing it since the 70s. I smoked to escape my parents fighting. Now I'm just as shitty as my old man.

HOMER

I fucked up.

CIRCUS BOB

Homer. Your son might not be the same when you see him

HOMER

I need to touch my kid

CIRCUS BOB

It might be difficult

HOMER

So what if he's different? I know when I pass him the piece that he's gonna be the same old Bart

CIRCUS BOB

They changed him

HOMER

Repack. We've bonded over the pipe for years, and you're telling me he won't enjoy it?

CIRCUS BOB

We don't know yet

HOMER

Do you think any acts of terror or weapons of mass destruction could stifle my boy's love for chronic?

CIRCUS BOB

I don't know him

HOMER

Well I do. We all do. Bart made us all laugh.

CIRCUS BOB

Tender Bart

HOMER

I love my fucking son

SONIC

You sell to me now.

MOE

I sell to anyone with money

SONIC

You only sell to me.

MOE

And if I don't?

SONIC

I'll fuck you up

MOE

I have people

SONIC

You don't seem to know who I am. Your people were mine before you were born

MOE

You're a kid

SONIC

I'll kill you

MAGGIE

I feel a terrible anxiety. I think something terrible is going to happen soon.

LISA

Hit this spice

MAGGIE

We're smoking spice now?

LISA

This used to be a great family.

MARGE

It still is, honey.

LISA

My brother is in Iraq. Dad's gone. We used to smoke an ounce a day.

MARGE

You need to trust your father. He always gets us through the tough times. You know this.

LISA

What if he's in over his head?

MARGE

Maybe he's in over his head. But we'll still have a roof over ours. Believe it.

LISA

He's a great man, isn't he?

MARGE

He is.

CIRCUS BOB

My man is coming

HOMER

I'm nervous

CIRCUS BOB

Chill. Keep toking it. He smokes too

CONTACT

You guys can come down. don't even worry. I'm friends with Mike.

CIRCUS BOB

Mike's a good guy

CONTACT

Mike saved my ass

[HOMER and CIRCUS BOB descend into camp]
HOMER

My son. Where is he

CONTACT

Ask Mike

HOMER

Mike? Where is he

MIKE

He's in the rec room

[In rec room]
HOMER

...

CIRCUS BOB

Homer...

HOMER

This isn't my son

[A grotesque, muscular caricature of Bart is hanging out with a couple of jugheads, shooting the shit and drinking Millers]
HOMER

I don't even recognize him without a bong in his hand

MIKE

He hasn't noticed us yet

CIRCUS BOB

The kid's wasted

HOMER

Son.

BART, surprised

Father? What the fuck? Why are...how?

HOMER

What the fuck did they do to you..I'm going to cry.

MIKE

Get this guy some herb

BART

I don't want that shit around me

HOMER

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

BART

You heard me father

BART

I'm a grown ass man. I'm here. Fighting for my-for YOUR fucking life. I can't sit around all day smoking kush. Not anymore.

BART

I need clarity of mind, high reaction time, if I'm lifted out there, when it's either me or some terrorist, I'm a fucking goner.

BART

This is for you, father. This is for our family. I think of you guys every time I turn down the hashish pipe.

BART

I know you're anti-war. I was too. But this is what I have to be. I'm here for a reason. I met their demands. Now meet mine and leave.

HOMER

I came here for you

BART

Why? So you could get me high and show me SNL Web Shorts?

HOMER

You love lasercats.

BART

I love America

HOMER

I want out. I was doing this for my son. That man is not my son.

BOB

Out? There is no out. You're in until we move these bricks

HOMER

Let me call my wife

BOB

Why don't you pray instead?

HOMER

You're a monster

BOB

I'm an entrepreneur

HOMER

My son

BOB

I don't care

HOMER

[aside] What have I done? I'm in Iraq. My son is a mindless killing machine. My life is so fucked up.

BOB

What?

HOMER

Nothing.

LISA

It's been weeks. Where is father?

MARGE

I don't know... I dont know.

LISA

We're running low on spice. Soon we'll be smoking salvia.

MARGE

He will provide for us.

LISA

What if he left the family?

MARGE

You're out of kush for 3 weeks and you lose faith in your father?

HOMER

Bart... talk to me, son. Why did you change?

BART

Do you want to know what I do for fun now, father? I shoot dogs in the street.

HOMER

You used to be a peaceful boy.

BART

Now I am a man of war.

HOMER

You're a ghost.

BART

Go smoke your pot you pathetic addict

HOMER

You've lost faith in yourself, boy. You've lost faith in humanity.

BART

I've lost faith in my depraved weed smoking father

HOMER

You were going to teach me how to game

BART

Don't even.

HOMER

You were going to teach me Project Gotham Racing 4

BART

You have time for that now? I have blood on my hands, father. I can't go back to that life.

HOMER

We want to make you whole again

HOMER

Come home, Bart. Toke with me, Maggie, Lisa, Ken. We'll be waiting for you with a freshly packed bowl.

BART

Al Qaeda would love that

HOMER

These soldiers...they aren't your friends.

BART

You're right. They're my family.

HOMER

I'm your family.

BART

You're a drug addict.

HOMER

Weed isn't addictive.

BART

That's why the whole family is blazed 24/7?

HOMER

I provide for that family.

BART

You're a pusher

HOMER

They smoke weed because they choose to. I don't force anyone to toke.

BART

You use weed to make people love you.

HOMER

Stop it.

BART

You deny it?

HOMER

You have it backwards. I provide dank kush because I love my family.

BART

You're fucking delusional, Homer.

LISA

I miss the golden days when we had piles of fluffy dro to blaze

MAGGIE

Our family is engulfed by darkness.

LISA

There is a shadow over the Simpson household.

MAGGIE

Where is father? Where is brother?

LISA

I don't want to smoke this salvia.

MAGGIE

We have to. I need to smoke.

LISA

Are we drug addicts?

MAGGIE

We're recreational smokers.

LISA

What has our father done to us?

MAGGIE

He provided for us.

LISA

Past tense? Do you think he's gone?

MAGGIE

Shut up and hit this fucking salvia blunt. Let's blaze

LISA

[exhales] I hate it. The world is getting darker.

MAGGIE

I feel like I'm in a nightmare

LISA

I want to die.

MAGGIE

This salvia trip is a far cry from the luxurious purp we used to smoke daily.

LISA

The walls are closing in.

MAGGIE

I miss Bart.

MARGE

[looking out of kitchen window] Where is my husband? I feel that I should go to the police.

MARGE

As the last remnant of THC leaves my system, the graveness of our family's situation occurs to me. How was I so naive?

HOMER

Bart... Think about when you took that first hit of purp. Don't you miss it?

BART

I get the same high from killing.

HOMER

No...

BART

Some of the guys here can't handle it. It comes naturally to me. I was born to kill.

HOMER

You were born to smoke.

HOMER

You ghosted it on your first hit. You're a natural weed smoker. All the Simpsons are.

BART

Maybe that's true. But I'm a soldier now.

MOE

There is a darkness over the Simpson household.

LENNY

The father and the son have disappeared.

CARL

We pray for their safe return.

MOE

There is a darkness over the Simpson household.

LENNY

The father and the son have disappeared.

CARL

We pray for their safe return.

MOE

The weed smoke dissipates to reveal a broken family.

LENNY

The wife despairs.

CARL

The children smoke stale salvia.

ABE

Today my Social Security check arrived. Homer is always here for a handout.

LEO

Could have forgotten.

ABE

My son despises me.

[at the bank]
ABE

Have a nice day

[FLANDERS enters]

FLANDERS

Hey man have you seen Homer? Springfield is dry as a bone

ABE

No. I am afraid

FLANDERS

We can pray

ABE

Oh yeah

FLANDERS

Pray this roach will get us high [sparks up]

ABE

We can't do that here

BART

[aside] My father pleads for my return. It hurts me to mistreat him, but I cannot bring my darkness back to that peaceful household.

BART

I kill for my country. But why should I serve a country that asks me to kill? It doesn't matter. I cannot take back what I have done.

BART

All I can do now is spare my family. If I return to Springfield a wave of misery will tear apart my family. This suffering is mine.

BART

I am physically and mentally scarred. I seem tough, but inside I still long for a home I know I can never return to.

BART

Perhaps in heaven, if such a thing exists, these memories and crimes would be washed away and I could rejoin my peaceful family.

BART

Heaven... Heaven. I don't think I am bound for that place. For me it will be hell or darkness.

CIRCUS BOB

Hash? Got hash, oil, dabs,

HOMER

My son is gone. He is dead. He is alive but he is dead.

CIRCUS BOB

I need to move these bricks of hash by Tuesday. Let's go

MARGE

That's the last time I saw him.

WIGGUM

Marge, Homer was seen with Bob... An international drug dealer with ties to Al Qaeda.

MARGE

He's involved with Al Qaeda?

WIGGUM

We have no reason to believe that

MARGE

My God

WIGGUM

Calm down

MARGE

Oh God

WIGGUM

Hit this

HOMER

I moved your hash, now I want to go home.

BOB

We have a flight out of Baghdad tomorrow morning. But first I need to see a friend.

HOMER

Can I say goodbye to my son?

BOB

There's no time.

HOMER

Bob, please.

BOB

[lifts shirt, revealing 9mm tucked into waistband]

HOMER

This was a mistake.

BOB

It was your mistake. You have to deal with the consequences.

HOMER

I should have never come to Iraq

MARGE

My Homer wouldn't get involved with terrorism. He loves his country.

WIGGUM

Ma'am, he loves getting high. There's a difference.

SONIC

So this is all mine now?

BURNS

yes sonic

SONIC

Even the spliff?

BURNS

the facility and all its contents are yours

SONIC

I used to create problems with my friends

BURNS

You upset them

SONIC

Now I create jobs for America

BURNS

Show them who's #1

[LENNY and CARL, aside]: The war is fought on both fronts. In the battlefield and at our home economy
BARNEY

Im tripping on this nutmeg

LISA

I can't keep tripping face on this sal. I need an ounce of schwag or something.

BENDER

I got the shittiest brick in town

LISA

my dad gave me fluffy stuff

BENDER

Your old man? Your old man is selling to the other side.

LISA

homer doesn't deal

MARGE

What has my husband gotten involved in? The police say he may be in Iraq. To save our son from war? Or worse?

LISA

Do you remember the times we spent in this gazebo?

MAGGIE

Our father built it.

LISA

We filled it with weed smoke daily.

MAGGIE

He's gone now.

LISA

He will return.

MAGGIE

You believe that?

LISA

We will hotbox this gazebo again.

MAGGIE

You have faith in him.

LISA

He was faithful.

MAGGIE

Through marijuana he found Christ.

LISA

And so did we.

LISA

And how does our brother fare?

MAGGIE

I fear he may be lost

LISA

In the desert of Iraq?

MAGGIE

The deserts of violence and alcohol

HOMER

I was a good father. I shouldn't be in Iraq

BOB

A good father doesn't sell hash in Iraq

HOMER

But... my son

BOB

You're a joke.

MARGE

Maggie, Lisa, Ken. I have news about father.

CHILDREN

Please, please.

MARGE

He's in Iraq. He went after Bart. He's in big trouble.

MAGGIE

Why?

MARGE

He's with a drug dealer who may be involved with Al Qaeda.

LISA

Did he help Bart?

MARGE

I don't think so.

MAGGIE

Bart made a promise to his country.

LISA

Can it with the patriotic stuff, Mags.

MARGE

I thought you were against the war.

MAGGIE

Some wars are necessary.

LISA

Not this one.

MARGE

That's enough.

LISA

It will never be enough.

MAGGIE

Bart is brave.

LISA

He didn't want to fight. He just wanted to blaze and chill.

MAGGIE

He's fighting for our right to blaze and chill.

LISA

And how's that working out for you? Since Bart and father left, we've been smoking resin.

MAGGIE

The resin isn't even that bad.

LISA

Did we ever smoke resin when our father was here? We used to smoke an ounce a day.

MAGGIE

My brother is a hero. Fuck your ounce.

MARGE

Language! Language.

MAGGIE

Sorry.

MARGE

Your heart is in the right place but I don't like the language

LISA

I want my family back

LISA

How free are you going to be when we have to bury Bart before his 20th birthday?

MARGE

Enough.

MAGGIE

I'm out of here.

MOE

You sure you can move two pounds a week?

KEN

I have no choice.

MOE

You're a brave boy.

KEN

I must redeem my broken family.

LENNY

The younger son takes action.

CARL

He wants to restore his family's glory.

MOE

His rise will change everything.

BOB

It's time for you to meet my friend.

HOMER

I want to go home

[BOB smacks homer across the mouth]

BOB

Get out of the car.

[BOB and HOMER enter a mansion. Bricks of hash everywhere]
HOMER

Where are we?

MILHOUSE

Hello Homer.

HOMER

My son's friend Milhouse?

MILHOUSE

It's me.

HOMER

What are you doing in Iraq?

MILHOUSE

I'm the main hash supplier for Al Qaeda

HOMER

That's insane

MILHOUSE

Is it so insane? Any more insane that you find your own self in this wild land?

HOMER

I came here for my son.

MILHOUSE

Sure.

MILHOUSE

We all came here for someting. I came here to do IT work for a military contractor. Now look at me. This place changes people.

HOMER

I don't want to change. I like you am.

MILHOUSE

You'll change. I'll make you change.

HOMER

What does that mean?

BOB

Enough questions, Simpson.

MILHOUSE

He's fine. Shut up, Bob.

BOB

Sorry.

MILHOUSE

Roll the grownups a hash blunt and go the hell away

HOMER

[exhales huge hit]

MILHOUSE

How's the hash.

HOMER

It's... it's really good.

MILHOUSE

[smiles] I know.

HOMER

It's chocolatey

MILHOUSE

And you're telling me you don't want to be a part of this? HOMER: A part of what?

MILHOUSE

This place. Iraq. Paradise.

HOMER

I have a family.

MILHOUSE

I have unlimited weed.

HOMER

Damn

MILHOUSE

Yeah.

HOMER

That sounds good.

MILHOUSE

It is good, Homer.

HOMER

[aside] The promise of endless pleasure. But my family at home. What would they do without me? I can't do this. I must leave Iraq.

MARGE

My husband mingles with mujahideen thousands of miles from home. How I hope that his intentions are noble. This family needs him.

MAGGIE

My brother is a hero. My father is a coward. Both have left the family, but only one has intentions of restoring our family's honor

[MAGGIE picks up the phone]
KEN

Mags... it's Ken

MAGGIE

Ken? I don't recognize the number.

KEN

I'm in jail, sis. I'm facing 10 years.

MAGGIE

My god... for what? What did you do?

KEN

I was trying to help.

MAGGIE

Ken, what did you do?

KEN

I shot a guy.

MAGGIE

Ken... Ken, why?

KEN

It's a long story. I was selling dank for Moe and it got complicated.

KEN

The guy is fine but I'm facing an assault charge. I didn't have any product on me but that's the least of my problems now.

KEN

I'm being remanded. I won't be able to see anybody until my trial. I'm sorry. I just wanted to help the family.

MAGGIE

[sobbing]

KEN

I have to go. [hangs up]

MAGGIE

This family that was once united by dank buds has been torn apart by those same buds. God forgive us.

SONIC

You call these nugs? Haha what have you been smoking?

SMITHERS

Pot

SONIC

I know.

SONIC

where did you get these regs?

SMITHERS

it's spice

SONIC

This is regular grade weed.

SMITHERS

Bender deals brown bud

SONIC

I thought Bob chased Bender away?

SMITHERS

Bob is in Iraq with Homer

SONIC

homer is brave.

SMITHERS

he's strong

SONIC

Bender is pushing in my neighborhood

SMITHERS

Are regulars a threat?

SONIC

All potsmokers are threats to me and society

SMITHERS

You smoke too

SONIC

I want to fuck this town up

SMITHERS

You're a kid

SONIC

fuck this. I'm going to kick your entire ass

FLANDERS

The Simpson boy... I had a feeling you'd end up here, someday. We all do. Whats up neighbor?

KEN

I don't want to talk about it.

FLANDERS

Fuck pigs man.

KEN

[silence]

FLANDERS

I was tokin' in a bank. Wasn't the first time, sure as hell won't be the last.

[int. MILLHOUSE's garage]
HOMER

I need to save my son. I need to go home. I need to end this war myself. But first I need to hit this brick

HOMER

Millhouse

MILLHOUSE

Yes, Homer?

HOMER

What if you could rule this desert

MILLHOUSE

I do.

HOMER

But officially?

MILLHOUSE

That's impossible. They don't even vote here

HOMER

We can bring democracy to the Iraqi people [repacks bowl]

HOMER

You have connections right?

MILLHOUSE

Obviously

HOMER

Can you arrange a meeting with the man?

MILLHOUSE

...Him?

HOMER

Yes

MILLHOUSE

I think I can do that

HOMER

Does he smoke?

MILLHOUSE

President George Bush? He smokes weed all fucking day.

HOMER

Nice

HOMER

I knew I voted for the right guy.

MILLHOUSE

Cool

HOMER

He's good

MILLHOUSE

I guess. Also, it's not a microphone

HOMER

Sorry

MILHOUSE

Bob can't know

HOMER

Bob doesn't know his five chambers from his sixes

MILHOUSE

Harsh

HOMER

Fuck Bob

MILHOUSE

George Walker Bush will be in Iran tomorrow

HOMER

We're in Iraq

MILHOUSE

Iran is similar

HOMER

I'm going to smoke with Bush

[HOMER, aside]: This war has reached its zenith. I can ascend politics using my historical materialist outlook and bring this to a close
[Int. Iranian Embassy]
HOMER

I'm nervous

MILHOUSE

I know this guy well

HOMER

What if he knows I deal

MILHOUSE

He smokes

HOMER

Oh yeah

HOMER

Should I roll a blunt before we see him? Is it courteous?

MILHOUSE

Roll bush at least a courtesy J

HOMER

J's are lightweight shit

MILHOUSE

George Bush is a heavyweight, expert smoker

HOMER

I'm glad he's in our whitehouse

MILHOUSE

I have problems with him

HOMER

He's chill and smokes, and he's fighting for us

MILHOUSE

I disagree with the war, and his tax cuts

HOMER

You hate free enterprise?

MILHOUSE

Competition is fine when it's fair

HOMER

It's fair to us all. The American dream is real

MILHOUSE

Bush smokes too much

HOMER

Forget it.

MILHOUSE

Bush can receive us now

HOMER

He better hit this shit hard

MILHOUSE

Business first

HOMER

No

HOMER

I'm going to light up right now

MILHOUSE

Wait till he's ready

HOMER

I'll blow weed in Bush's face

MILHOUSE

Don't

[DOOR opens]
BUSH

Milhouse! It's been ages my dear boy!

MILLHOUSE

I have two L's now

BUSH

Since when?

MILLHOUSE

I roll two L's a day

BUSH

Good one

MILLHOUSE

Thanks

HOMER

That was nice

BUSH

Who's that?

MILLHOUSE

A fellow toker and a thinking man

BUSH

We're smoking?

HOMER

I rolled a blunt

BUSH

Hash or green?

HOMER

Green

BUSH

Thank god. This desert dank is hurting my throat

HOMER

It's the same for me

BUSH

First hit?

HOMER

It's all yours

BUSH

Business first

[HOMER, aside]: This is shady

MILLHOUSE

Pass it to the left

BUSH

Homer, your turn

HOMER

This shit is fucking soaked

MILLHOUSE

He got spit on it?

HOMER

I fucked up

HOMER

This was a bad idea. I'm leaving

BUSH

I'm sorry

HOMER

It's nasty

BUSH

I have cotton mouth

HOMER

I thought you were chill

BUSH

I'm chill. I'm sorry. I'll roll a new one. I'll smoke that one

HOMER

Give me your best dro

BUSH

I smoke only the best. You know Moe?

HOMER

Moe ruined my life

MILLHOUSE

Moe is a snake

BUSH

Moe has never wronged me

HOMER

Moe cut me off

BUSH

....That's fucked.

HOMER

I'm here for a reason

BUSH

What?

HOMER

I want to end this war

BUSH

I'm too high for this hahaha

BUSH

I want to listen to Shuggie Otis

HOMER

What the fuck?

MILLHOUSE

Shut the fuck up and stay on topic

BUSH

Too late

HOMER

This guy sucks

MILLHOUSE

He's normally better

HOMER

Did we get him too high?

MILLHOUSE

I warned you

HOMER

Shoulda rolled a J

HOMER

You're holding out. You know more than you're telling

BUSH

I don't

HOMER

You're dodging the issue

BUSH

Stop

HOMER

Where are they?

BUSH

Where are what?

HOMER

The WMDs. The cause of this war

BUSH

that's....

HOMER

Confidential? Right

BUSH

Don't narc on me

HOMER

Don't use the lingo with me, lightweight

BUSH

There are no weapons. Just massive pools of hash oil

HOMER

I knew it

BUSH

We've extracted enough. But we can't end the war. It's too sensitive

HOMER

How?

BUSH

He has prisoners

HOMER

Saddam?

BUsH: Saddam.

HOMER

Casualties of war are inevitable. This is your doing, own up to it. You sent your pawns in to this mess to be torn apart

HOMER

War is the only constant in history. In this modern era, the thirst of capital cannot be quenched with mere blood or oil

HOMER

You didn't create this system. But you propagate it. I see now. Millhouse is right. You're a bad person. Imperialism is wrong

BUSH

Imperialism is just a word. The desire to expand is part of the human nature

HOMER

Human nature? Don't make me laugh.

HOMER

Since the dawn of industrialization you people have treated your citizens as cogs in the machine of profit [Lights blunt]

HOMER

[holding in smoke] The wealth gap is staggering. And all you care about is [exhales] money.

BUSH

But I-

HOMER

Can it

BUSH

Why did I skip Marx studies?

MILLHOUSE

And Engels

BUSH

Engels is over my head

HOMER

I voted for this false-stoner.

BUSH

But we can't end the war

HOMER

Why?

BUSH

He has your son

HOMER

Bart? What?

BUSH

No. Not Bart

HOMER

....

MILLHOUSE

....

BUSH

My intel man is calling. I'll put him on speaker.

TROPICAL MAN

Ken has been kidnapped by Al-Qaeda.

BUSH

Is he safe?

TROPICAL MAN

The terrorists are waterboarding Ken

HOMER

How'd they get their hands on him?

BUSH

Our prison system is corrupt

HOMER

Tell me about it

BUSH

i will, later, let's chief

HOMER

The blunt is still lit?

BUSH

Let me get a hit

HOMER

Gross, no.

HOMER

How the fuck can I save my son?

BUSH

One of your sons is ablebodied

HOMER

Bart isn't chill anymore

MILHOUSE

It's true

BUSH

The kid stopped toking?

HOMER

It's your own military practice that did this

BUSH

I fucked up.

[BART stands outside of Iraqi whitehouse, amidst a pile of corpses]
BART

I made it this far. There's no going back. Here I come, Ken.

BART

I'm too good at this. I'm scarring myself. I shoot people like it's nothing. Am I even doing this for Ken? Or my own sick pleasure?

BART

No. Ken sucks. This is all for me. This blood wasn't spilled for my brother or my country. This is for me.

BART

I've turned into a monster and I fucking love it. Love? That's a strong word. I only feel hatred. For everyone.

BART

This place has a decent back yard. Saddam must be out there chilling. Here I come, motherfucking Hussein.

[Ext. Iraqi Whitehouse, back yard. A gazebo sits in the center. Smoke billows out. It evokes memories of home in young Bart]
BART

shit...

[BART approaches the gazebo]
BART

I'm shaking. I'm scared. Should I turn back? Is this a sign? He's toking in there. I know it.

[Int. Gazebo, walls plastered with Marley memorabilia and roadsigns]
BART

This layout....

[A shadow sits in the corner, hitting a bong]

VOICE

You've made it

BART

Saddam Hussein. World villain.

SADDAM

I've done nothing wrong. I did it for my people

BART

You attacked mine.

SADDAM

I know you won't see it my way. I accept my death. I've been waiting for this.

BART

I'll do it with pleasure, you sick fuck.

SADDAM

This Gazebo. It's one of the only two like it in the world. Built of the finest hemp

BART

I don't know shit about construction

SADDAM

But you know about life, Bart

BART

I know only about killing.

SADDAM

Death is part of life.

BART

Shut the fuck up, I'll kill you

SADDAM

You will. I saw it

BART

You're talking nonsense you crazy fucking stoner

SADDAM smiles.

SADDAM

Don't you recognize it, Bart?

BART

No

SADDAM

You do. Admit it

BART

It's from someone else's life. It's not mine.

SADDAM

You feel like a different person now?

BART

I am not a person. I'm a machine of the state.

SADDAM

Machines have organs

SADDAM

You're the same being that you always were. With different perception.

BART

You're high

SADDAM

I'm right.

BART

This has gone on too fucking long. I'm going to end this.

SADDAM

Go ahead. But let me get one last toke.

BART

Fine. I own't deny it.

SADDAM

Why don't you hit it?

[SADDAM reveals a crystal bong traced with golden elephants]

BART

That bong is racist

SADDAM

It's magic

BART

I'll play your game. You think one hit will affect my aim? You think I won't put a bullet in your head?

SADDAM

I embrace death

SADDAM

And this is no game. I've longed to smoke weed with the man who will kill me, since I was a boy

BART

You're twisted

[SADDAM casually holds out bong, as a friend. BART accepts it, with shaking hands]
SADDAM

Toke on it

BART

I am

[BART takes massive hit, and cannot properly clear the smoke from the piece]
BART

I'm rusty

SADDAM

I can't even see through the smoke hah

BART

This changes nothing.

SADDAM

Sit down next to me. You can keep your gun out.

BART

I need to sit

SADDAM

Tell me why

BART

No

SADDAM

Why do you need to sit

BART

I'm...

SADDAM

Say it

BART

I'm blazed out of my fucking mind

[SADDAM, laughing]: Cool

BART

I have a Gazebo just like this at home

SADDAM

I know

BART

How?

SADDAM

I used to build them

BART

What?

SADDAM

I built yours too

BART

Why the fuck?

SADDAM

I really appreciate hemp as an alternative building material. I can send you articles

BART

But why ours?

SADDAM

The perfect smoking hangout. A palace fit for only the most hardcore pothead

BART

We're nothing special

SADDAM

I disagree

SADDAM

Never has herb brought a family as close together as it does yours.

BART

We have issues

SADDAM

We all do.

BART

It ruined us

SADDAM

Self-criticism ruined you. If you smoke freely and without care, love will grow

BART

How did you know us

SADDAM

I..

BART

Tell me

SADDAM

I'm a moderator on the Grasscity forums

BART

What?

SADDAM

TokeMahal49

BART

That's you?

SADDAM

I've talked to your dad on IRC for years. We post together

BART

You're a terrorist

SADDAM

I'm just a lonely stoner

SADDAM

All these years I've had this gazebo, and you're the first to ever smoke with me in it

BART

I'm getting too lifted

SADDAM

I want you to take another hit. I want you to exhale through your ironsights as you fire the bullet

BART

I shouldn't do it

SADDAM

I am a bad man. Don't let yourself waver. I had to do one good thing before I left.

BART

You knocked the towers down...

[BART lifts his rifle to Saddam's dome. He takes a massive, multi-chambered hit, a tear forms in his eye, and he pulls the trigger]
BART

Goodbye you beautiful bastard.... I guess I should find my worthless brother Ken now. Hope he's not fucking dead.

MARGE

Turn on the news. Bart has done something wonderful.

MAGGIE

Do you see, Lisa? He was a hero all along.

LISA

It's complex.

LISA

He took a man's life.

MAGGIE

He attacked our country.

LISA

His connection to Al Qaeda was never proven.

MAGGIE

Unlike our father.

LISA

We don't know all the facts

MAGGIE

You're ignorant

LISA

You're blinded by hate.

MARGE

[aside] I need to get high so bad

MARGE

Moe, please, I'm begging you. Front me an eighth until next week.

MOE

And what happens next week? You're fucking unemployed.

MARGE

Bart killed Saddam. He's going to get a big bonus from the Army.

MOE

You're not going to see a dime of that money. He owes me.

MARGE

Moe, please. We're desperate. My family is falling apart.

MOE

I don't front perfectly good purp to degenerate drug addicts.

MARGE

Just let me have a ball of resin. Please. For old times' sake.

MOE

Get the fuck out of my bar before I call the cops.

MARGE

[sobs]

YOUNG WIGGUM

Miss... Misses Simpson?

MARGE

Young Wiggum... Please... You know my son. I just need a gram to get me through the week.

YOUNG WIGGUM

Dad! Come here!

WIGGUM

Marge? What the hell are you doing here?

MARGE

I need to blaze. My family needs to blaze.

WIGGUM

I'm a fucking police officer, Marge. You can't come to my house with this crap.

MARGE

I'm desperate.

WIGGUM

Go home to your kids.

CARL

The family torn apart by drugs and war.

LENNY

The wife and daughters struggle.

MOE

When will the father return?

LISA

When will you see that war has destroyed this family?

MAGGIE

Drugs have destroyed this family. Bart is our only hope.

LISA

The best hope for a peaceful family is a ruthless killer?

MAGGIE

Shame on you for speaking of your brother like that.

MARGE

Sir, please... you knew my husband.

SONIC

Lady I couldn't fuckin' stand your husband. But have a dub sack on me. Now be gone.

MARGE

Oh thank you... thank you. You've saved my family, sir. Thank you.

SONIC

Christ, lady it's just mids. Calm down

MARGE

Maggie! Lisa! Look! I got a dub sack! After we smoke it we can scrape the resin.

LISA

Don't you see? It's not about the weed anymore

MAGGIE

We called the embassy in Iraq. They're bringing father home

MARGE

What about Bart?

LISA

He signed a 10 year contract with the army

MARGE

He WHAT?!

MAGGIE

They need him over there. Saddam wasn't the only evil man in that tumultuous region.

LISA

Maggie is right.

LISA

Bart can do more in the Middle East than he could ever do back home with us.

MAGGIE

He's never going to be the same.

MARGE

My boy...

MAGGIE

He's a man now. You need to understand that.

LISA

He's a killer... but I've come to accept it

MARGE

Sorry but who has the grinder?

LISA

I can just crumble it. I don't know where the--

MAGGIE

Oh yeah, Apu had it.

LISA

Oh.

MARGE

Just crumble it by hand, that's fine.

MAGGIE

Where did you get this autumn leaf looking nasty ass weed?

MARGE

From Mr. Sonic.

[MAGGIE drops the blunt]

MAGGIE

What?!

MAGGIE

Mr. Sonic is a cold and unscrupulous business magnate. He has an ulterior motive for giving you this free weed.

MARGE

Shit.

LISA

There's no such thing as free weed.

MAGGIE

You should know this.

MARGE

I didn't start smoking until I was like 35.

LISA

Whoa.

GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIE

This town's been fucking dead for 2 months

SKYNARD

It's shit here anymore

WILLIE

I fucking hate this weedless town

WILLIE

I used to smoke every day with these brats, now I have to beg them for a hit of res

SKYNARD

Kids are different now.

WLLIE

Here I am, I'm smoking leftover shit from a nine year old, and I'm loving it

SKINNER

Bart left us in hell

WILLIE

I'm sober

MARGE

[exhales] I'm actually pretty high off this schwag

LISA

It's a body high

MAGGIE

My legs are spasming. I think I hear gunshots.

MARGE

She's freaking out

LISA

Her guilt is getting to her

MAGGIE

I celebrated a killer.

LISA

He's still our brother. He was forced into that deadly profession.

MARGE

[exhales huge blunt hit] What the hell are you talking about

[MAGGIE, MARGE, and LISA silently smoke the rest of the blunt]
MOE

The young women have found temporary relief.

CARL

A couple of grams won't be enough.

LENNY

The familial serenity will not last.

SKINNER

We need bart

WILLIE

He was a ruckus. And a stoner

SKINNER

He didn't finish his GED

WILLIE

Will he be trapped here?

SKINNER

Bart will restore this school's honor

WILLIE

The super attendant is on your case

SKINNER

I can't smoke spice anymore

WILLIE

same

WILLIE

Bart signed up for ten years

SKINNER

There's no way we can make him come home?

WILLIE

That's against the law.

SKINNER

The law means nothing in this hellhole

WILLIE

Good riddance to Springfield

SKINNER

I'll bring it back

WILLIE

Springfield hell.

SONIC

Itch and Scratch don't make me laugh anymore

SMITHERS

You're lame now. Pass it.

SONIC

Without Simpson clan, Springfield falls

MARGE

The plane has arrived.

LISA

I hope we can get the taxi soon.

MAGGIE

Father returns

MARGE

Will he have bud?

LISA

Is Ken with father?

MARGE

Ken doesn't get mentioned in this fucking house

LISA

Mom, you're serious

MARGE

I'm dry as a bone

[Int. Airport]
[HOMER enters, somber]: I bring bad news to my family.
MARGE

You forgot to pack the herb?

HOMER

No. I have three pounds

MARGE

Where's my son?

HOMER

Ken got held up

MARGE

I'll wait for him

MAGGIE

Ken won't make it back alive

LISA

He's weak.

HOMER

After son Bart found him, they fought. Ken ran into the desert

MARGE

I don't want to discuss this

LISA

Tell me more

HOMER

No

HOMER

I listen only to my wonderful wife

MAGGIE

Dad's lust for mom is increased by hash usage

LISA

Hash saved their marriage

MAGGIE

Tell us about the Ken's fight

HOMER

I can't discuss it, but I'll illustrate it. http://t.co/RMySzvV7mc

MAGGIE

Ah. A counter-clockwise passer

HOMER

He wouldn't pass to the left

MARGE

Where did we go wrong with him?

HOMER

Let's spark.

MAGGIE

In an airport?

LISA

The attacks...

HOMER

It's good now. I fixed it.

MARGE

Bart did

HOMER

I met Bush

MARGE

Bush didn't do shit. My son saved this globe.

MAGGIE

Bush hid the facts

LISA

Bush is a paper tiger

HOMER

Bush is chill

MARGE

What happened to Bush?

HOMER

Bush got too fucking high for his own good

MAGGIE

Our own president?

HOMER

Bush is a lightweight.

HOMER

He coughed directly into the bong

MARGE

No discipline

HOMER

He blew the weed out of the Slider Piece

MAGGIE

I voted for this pig.

HOMER

I convinced Bush to end the war.

MARGE

We don't need the oil.

MAGGIE

Why is Bart still there?

HOMER

It's complex.

MARGE

How high did our president get on weed?

HOMER

He was blazed so hard that he...

MAGGIE

No..

HOMER

Yes

LISA

He forgot Poland?

HOMER

Can we go the fuck home and smoke pot?

MARGE

I want the dro first

LISA

I want to try the hashish brick

HOMER

I'll roll two.

[Int. Simpson Home. Baked.]
MARGE

are we going to talk about Bart?

HOMER

I just invited Apu

LISA

Apu can't party

HOMER

Apu goes hard

MARGE

I'm serious Homer

HOMER

I missed this fucking place

LISA

We've been in hell dad

MAGGIE

We smoked Salvia

HOMER

What?

MARGE

I'm serious Homer

HOMER

I missed this fucking place

LISA

We've been in hell dad

MAGGIE

We smoked Salvia

HOMER

What?

HOMER

You let our kids trip on Sal?

MARGE

We were desperate.

HOMER

Salvia? Marge, are you fucking kidding me?

[MARGE begins sobbing]

LISA

It's legal shit, father.

HOMER

You got the shit part right.

MARGE

You left us

HOMER

Our son. Our beautiful fucking son.

MARGE

You didn't bring him back. You gave the president first hit and you forgot our son.

HOMER

Our president slobbers on the blunt

MARGE

What the fuck did you even DO over there?

HOMER

I pushed Bob's brick.

MARGE

Homer...

LISA

That's dirty.

APU

Hello

HOMER

Hey Apu

APU

I'm here to blaze

HOMER

We have three pieces packed

APU

Hash for me

HOMER

Keep it. I'm sick of brick.

APU

I'm already uncomfortable.

HOMER

Just chill.

APU

Why did you invite me...you just got home

HOMER

I want to get twisted

APU

I carry Four Lokos in my shop.

HOMER

Did you bring any?

APU

Only the watermelon flavor.

HOMER

Toss me one

LISA

Father?

HOMER

Sometimes a father needs to drink a Four Loko to deal with his weed-bumming kids

MAGGIE

You just got home.

HOMER

Home? ...Bart....

[HOMER gazes wistfully at the Gazebo]
HOMER

That place is off limits

MARGE

But hot boxing the Gazebo is efficient

HOMER

Not without Bart.

APU

I really don't want to be here for this. I have shit to do

HOMER

You'll stay in my house and smoke my fucking weed for free.

APU

Hard to turn down purps and brick

HOMER

Lay off my brick. You're killing it.

APU

Your son is a killer, too.

HOMER

Apu. I don't need your shit. You're acting like Sonic.

APU

I'm a grown man

HOMER

You're acting just like him

APU

Sorry.

MARGE

Can we talk? In private?

APU

What? Why. That's weird.

MARGE

I was talking to Homer.

MAGGIE

I don't want Apu to witness this.

HOMER

Anything you can say to me, you can say to Apu.

APU

Please don't do this.

HOMER

Apu, please go talk to my wife in private.

MARGE

Homer. Why are you doing this?

HOMER

Apu can relay your bullshit message to me

APU

I'm having a panic attack.

HOMER

Take another hit. Go and whisper with my wife.

APU

Homer. I'm freaking the fuck out.

HOMER

My wife has a soothing voice

APU

It's cramped in here.

HOMER

We have a finished basement.

APU

I'm not going there

HOMER

Marge. Lead him there.

MARGE

What the fuck?

[Int. Basement]
MARGE

Apu. I need to know what happened in Iraq.

APU

I need to leave

MARGE

Apu...

APU

Please?

MARGE

Ask my husband where our son is. And why he's doing this

APU

I'm not doing that

MARGE

We smoke you out and you do this?

APU

I haven't had kush in months. I can't handle this right now

MARGE

I have regs to calm you down.

APU

Moe?

MARGE

He has shit now.

APU

Moe went to the gutter.

MARGE

Sonic took the good stuff

APU

Sonic doesn't sell.

MARGE

He's a fiend

APU

He misses his father.

MARGE

I miss the father of my children.

APU

The bud will help.

MARGE

Bud doesn't answer questions.

APU

I might die tonight.

MARGE

Apu?

APU

My heart....

MARGE

Have some water.

APU

This is dirty bong water

MARGE

We made a grav bong in our bath tub.

APU

So?

MARGE

All of our water goes to this bong.

APU

I need professional help

MARGE

You'll talk to my husband.

APU

I never asked for this.

MARGE

I never asked for this war. But your people...

APU

My people? Are you insane?

MARGE

if the shoe fits..

APU

What are you saying?

MARGE

convenient how you moved here 25 years before 9/11?

APU

I'm indian you fucking bigot.

MARGE

Sorry.

MARGE

I'm on edge.

APU

I barely know you guys. I just smoke your weed.

MARGE

You used to deal.

APU

My kids are in college.

MARGE

Oh?

MARGE

My kid sold his soul for this disgrace of a nation.

APU

Blame those fuckers on wall street.

MARGE

I blame you.

APU

I told you, I'm Indian.

MARGE

You're a pussy.

APU

What the fuck?

MARGE

Talk to Homer.

APU

I'm scared

MARGE

Homer isn't armed.

APU

Bob had guns.

MARGE

Bob? I forgot about Bob...

APU

Isn't he the cause of all your pain?

MARGE

Bob trashed our gazebo and left us in ruin.

APU

Email him.

MARGE

You need to do it.

APU

I won't.

MARGE

Email Bob, now.

APU

Why can't I fucking go home? Why can't you do it.

MARGE

I'm too high to deal with this shit.

APU

The resin lowered your tolerance.

MARGE

I'll kill you.

APU

You couldn't.

MARGE

I want my family back.

APU

I'm leaving. Bye.

MARGE

You son of a bitch.

[Int. Simpson livingroom]
HOMER, whispering

Did you fuck my wife?

APU

No. I'm leaving.

HOMER

I'll find you

APU

Let me go

HOMER

My son can turn you into ground beef chops.

APU

You're stoned, Homer.

HOMER

Wiggum will take my side.

APU

Fuck off.

APU

Your breath smells like old hash, your teeth are brown. You're a mess.

HOMER

I have my eye on you

APU

You wanted this.

HOMER

Fuck.

[ext. SIMPSON STREET]
APU

Fuck that shit

BUMBLEBEE MAN

¿Tiene alguna marihuana?

APU

What the fucking hell is going on

LENNY

The merchant feels the oppressive weight of destiny on his shoulders.

CARL

Could Apu turn to the cops?

MOE

He smoked their hash.

[MOE'S TAVERN; MARGE sits alone in a dark booth. A shadow approaches]
MARGE

Thank you for coming. I don't have anyone else to turn to

SONIC

You thought that you, a peasant, could turn to me?

MARGE

Thats rude

SONIC

I have attitude problems. And all the kush in Springfield

MARGE

Then why did you come here?

SONIC

Curiosity. Boredom. I feel like as I blaze, an emptiness inside me is growing

MARGE

Damn

SONIC

I get to be high all the time though

MARGE

That's cool

SONIC

Yeah.

MARGE

Some serious shit has happened.

SONIC

I don't give a fuck. I want middle-eastern weed.

MARGE

You'll get it.

SONIC

When?

MARGE

You need to message Bob.

SONIC

Fuck Bob

MARGE

True. But you're the only one he's afraid of

SONIC

What do I even say to him. What is it that we're even doing

MARGE

Find out what he knows about Bart. What went down in Iraq. I want my husband and son back.

SONIC

But why? Talk to Homer about it

MARGE

Homer's lips are sealed to the grav bong.

SONIC

Bath tub?

MARGE

we made a bong out of it.

SONIC

Genius. But I get your concern.

SONIC

Thing is, babe, I have no concern for your family.

MARGE

You have all the weed you can smoke.

SONIC

I do.

MARGE

But...

MARGE

You don't have Iraqi connections.

SONIC

Why would I want them.

MARGE

Ever smoke hashish?

SONIC

Yeah.

MARGE

You bought that shit outside a Subway restaurant.

SONIC

It's the same brick.

MARGE

This brick is insane.

SONIC

Whoa

MARGE

I'll supply you with a lifetime of hash weed for your work.

SONIC

Do I have to sell?

MARGE

It's all yours to toke on

SONIC

Damn..

MARGE

Homer is hiding the facts.

SONIC

More than Bush?

MARGE

He smoked with Bush.

SONIC

What the fuck?

MARGE

I know, right?

SONIC

This is deep shit.

MARGE

There's a mystery surrounding Bart, my youngest son.

SONIC

and Ken?

MARGE

Shut your mouth.

SONIC

You don't tell me what to fucking do.

MARGE

I'll tell you not to mention that name near me again

SONIC

Musta passed to the right...

MARGE

Apu knows too much.

SONIC

You're asking a lot to me.

MARGE

Skype Bob first. Then we deal with Apu.

SONIC

Apu's blood will spill.

MARGE

Will you email him?

SONIC

Skype will suffice.

MARGE

Cam on or off?

SONIC

I'm going to show him my face

MARGE

Holy shit.

SONIC

I'm not too thrilled with Bart's return.

MARGE

This town is dead, period.

SONIC

Springfield...deserves a second chance.

[LATER, SONIC's HOME]
SONIC

Well, here goes nothing.

[SONIC clicks the SKYPE CONTACT]

BOB

Hello?

SONIC

Get on cam

BOB

Sonic?

SONIC

Now.

BOB

What?

SONIC

Now.

BOB

You're breaking up.

SONIC

My data plan...

BOB

T-Mobile is shit in this area.

SONIC

CIRCUS BOB!!!

CIRCUS BOB

Why are you fucking calling me? It's 1:20 AM?

SONIC

What the fuck is happening over there?

BOB

It's a god forsaken mess.

SONIC

Get the fuck on cam.

BOB

My connection...

SONIC

Show me your bastard face.

BOB

Hold on a second.

SONIC

I'm going to take a hit now.

BOB

Can you see my feed?

SONIC

All I see is your fucking lap. Move the camera up.

BOB

I'm nervous.

SONIC

Load up a fucking fat bong of hashish

BOB

My brick is almost gone

SONIC

You have Milhouse.

BOB

Milhouse? Hah.

BOB

Milhouse is a double-traitor.

SONIC

Milhouse has good shit.

BOB

He's the president of the United States of Iraq.

SONIC

what?

BOB

Democracy has landed in this wasteland.

SONIC

That's a good thing.

BOB

He's bogarting the hashish.

SONIC

Milhouse smokes his own way

BOB

Can you see me?

SONIC

Yeah.

BOB

I can't see you

SONIC

Hold on

[SONIC ends the call]

[SKYPE RINGTONE PLAYS]
SONIC

Can you see me now?

BOB

I see you alright.

SONIC

Damn. I can't see you.

BOB

Do you have Google+?

SONIC

Are you kidding me? You imbecile.

BOB

I see you now. You have a lot of bud.

SONIC

Jars for days of chronic shit.

SONIC

I need to know what happened to Bush, Bart and the rest.

BOB

Well, machines have organs.

SONIC

Shut your stoner mouth.

SONIC

Bart smoked. I know it. We all know it...Bill Maher has clips.

BOB

Bill? He's desperate

SONIC

Bill Mahaer is a ratchet fucker.

BOB

The RATCHET phrase has not reached Iraqi soil.

SONIC

Where the fuck is bart.

BOB

The chamber.

SONIC

You talking about bongs?

BOB

Bart is undergoing severe weed training. He's being force-fed bong smoke until he doesn't feel it anymore

SONIC

That's torture.

BOB

What do you want me to do? I just push.

SONIC

What's Millhouse's skype?

BOB

I don't know it.

SONIC

How?

BOB

I only know his no. 1

[TEAGUE has joined the conversation]
BOB

Teague. This is Sonic.

TEAGUE

I know him.

SONIC

Holy mother of god.

SONIC

This guy grew up with me. We watched Digimon together.

BOB

I'll leave now.

TEAGUE

What do you want, scum?

SONIC

Bart.

TEAGUE

Tai hasn't found me yet.

SONIC

Where the fuck is Bart?

TEAGUE

He only responds on Yahoo now.

SONIC

Jesus Christ.

SONIC

Forget it. Thanks. This is a bunch of bullshit. I'm going to sleep. I'm blocking Marge's number.

BOB

Bye

MARGE

Days have passed. I'm alone. My husband hasn't left the closet. He's blowing tokes non-stop.

HOMER

Marge. Get me some grapes.

MARGE

Homer. I won't take your shit. Until Bart is back, I'm done. I'm leaving this house. I'll stay with TWIN SISTERS.

HOMER

My kids.

MARGE

Say goodbye to your pot smoking teens, fucker.

HOMER

I've lost them all. Where's Apu?

[Int. Bong facility, IRAQ]
BART

I can't handle this smoke

DOCTOR

You will keep smoking.

BART

I don't want to lose the body high

BART

Why are you doing this to me?

[MILLHOUSE ENTERS]

MILLHOUSE

It's for your own good.

BART

I killed Saddam. Isn't that enough?

MILLHOUSE

It's never enough. You should just give up. Go home to your father.

BART

My father is a cowardly dog.

MILLHOUSE

He's chill

BART

You don't even know him. You only know that he shares his bud for no reason.

MILLHOUSE

That's all I need to know.

BART

It's deeper.

MILLHOUSE

Your bloodlust will never be satisfied. You must pacify it with huge bong hits.

BART

I'm not done yet.

MILLHOUSE

What are you trying to prove?

BART

That I'm the American Soldier Supreme.

MILLHOUSE

To whom?

BART

My country

MILLHOUSE

Wrong.

BART

God.

MILLHOUSE

God is dead.

BART

Myself

MILLHOUSE

You're not even a person.

BART

....

BART

All I wanted to do was make my father proud. He thought I was a worthless stoner. I can be more. I can change the world.

BART

Homer passed me his fattest L when I was only eight years old. I hit that shit so hard that it saved my life. I was suicidal.

BART

My old man, he made me who I am today. I wanted to pay him back. He already knows I'm a fiend. I wanted to show him I'm a hero, too.

MILLHOUSE

You were suicidal at eight years old?

BART

I was sober as fuck.

MILLHOUSE

No contact highs?

BART

None.

MILLHOUSE

Your family is suffering without you.

BART

I'm too high for that pressure

MILLHOUSE

Your tolerance will never increase.

MILLHOUSE

Bart. You've smoked as much as you can. You can't pass this wall. This is it. You're as high as you can be.

BART

I'm buzzed.

MILLHOUSE

You're drooling on yourself.

BART

I miss Doritos

MILLHOUSE

There's some at home.

BART

Why do you want me to go back?

MILLHOUSE

I owe your father a favor.

BART

Father fucked me over, hardcore.

MILLHOUSE

He's chill.

BART

I can't go back. I'm too far gone.

MILLHOUSE

They want you to be gone. Faded as fuck on NYC Sour Diesel.

BART

That's 2006 shit.

MILLHOUSE

You think Afghan shit is real?

BART

I've smoked it

MILLHOUSE

It's all spice.

BART

I know spice

MILLHOUSE

How much fucking spice have you smoked?

BART

...

MILLHOUSE

Your dad gave you the real bud.

BART

I smoked it twice.

MILLHOUSE

You took three hits and fell asleep.

BART

Spice is just as good

MILLHOUSE

You're delusional. This war has ruined you.

BART

I miss father. I miss mother's stacked hair.

MILLHOUSE

Your mom's style is ahead of the game.

BART

I love my own mother.

BART

Send me back.

MILLHOUSE

I can do it.

BART

Homer....

MILLHOUSE

He saved you

BART

My chill-ass dad.

MARGE

MY SON IS FUCKING RUINING MY LIFE

ABE

What the fuck? The town is full of kush. Smoke more. Relax

MARGE

MY SON.

ABE

I got an email from Homer.

MARGE

I don't want his bullshit.

ABE

It's an e-card.

MARGE

What?

ABE

It's from http://t.co/XZV4B4akVX

MARGE

... He saves those only for special occasions.

ABE

Your husband is blazed.

MARGE

This George Costanza card....

ABE

Bart?

MARGE

Bart is coming home.

ABE

Sweet mother of all hell. Sonic did it.

MARGE

No. Not Sonic. Sonic's malice knows no bounds.

MARGE

Homer still has connections. I'm worried.

ABE

Your husband might be pushing hash.

MARGE

It's good hash.

ABE

Bender's quality has increased.

MARGE

Is Homer supplying local thugs?

ABE

But Bart is safe.

MARGE

Bart's on his way.

[BART is relaxing on an Israeli beach, on a week leave from the army]
BART

God damn do I love Israel... Unlimited weed and crazy beaches.

IDF SOLDIER

Excuse me, Mr. Simpson? I need you to come with me.

BART

What the hell? I'm a US soldier. Our countries are friends.

IDF SOLDIER

[places hand on sidearm] Don't make this difficult, Bart.

BART

Alright you fucking pig, let's go. What do you want.

IDF SOLDIER

My boss wants to see you.

BART

Let's fuckin' go then!

[BART is escorted into a huge mansion in the heart of Tel Aviv. Giant bricks of hash litter the vestibule]
BART

Who lives here...?

NETANYAHU

Hello Bart

BART

Bibi...?

NETANYAHU

I was impressed by your work in Iraq. Very impressed.

BART

Thanks... do you want to smoke?

NETANYAHU

[grinning] I thought you'd never ask.

BART

Well I just fucking did. Now light that blunt and tell me why you brought me here.

NETANYAHU

Like I said... You dispatching of Saddam was quite the show.

BART

It's more complex than that.

NETANYAHU

Ah, but is it really?

BART

Yes... I just said it was.

NETANYAHU

Sometimes things are simpler than they appear.

BART

You weren't there.

NETANYAHU

Maybe this top tier Israeli bubble hash will help you see things my way.

BART

You know I can't refuse a hit of that.

BART

[Bart exhales a huge hit. He pretends to be high, not letting on that he is immune to weed] Fuck... I'm blazed, Bibi

NETANYAHU

I want to talk to you about Yasser Arafat. Perhaps you've heard of him.

BART

[holding in a hit] Yeah I know him

NETANYAHU

Well, Bart, he's a thorn in my side. I was wondering if you might have a chat with him on my behalf.

BART

Uhhhh

NETANYAHU

Shall I roll another?

BART

Yes, Bibi. I want to get so faded. I love Israel more than anything.

NETANYAHU

I'm glad to hear it.

BART

I'll "talk" to him, sure. But what do I get?

NETANYAHU

You'd be doing your patriotic duty, Mr. Simpson.

BART

I work for the Army

NETANYAHU

[sighs and rubs temples] What did you have in mind?

BART

I want to talk about settlements.

NETANYAHU

Excuse me?

BART

You heard me.

NETANYAHU

These issues do not concern you.

BART

It concerns everybody, Bibi. It must stop.

NETANYAHU

I thought you were a patriot.

BART

I'm a human being.

NETANYAHU

It's not that simple.

BART

That's not what you said before

NETANYAHU

Suddenly you seem quite sober, Mr. Simpson

BART

I'm blazed with the desire to help my fellow man.

NETANYAHU

I don't understand

BART

You never have, Bibi.

NETANYAHU

How could you be sober after all that bubble hash? You should be faded like my Wranglers right now

BART

[smirking] That doesn't concern you, Bibi...

NETANYAHU

Gah! Bad boy!

BART

You know it.

BART

So here's the deal, Bibi. I'm going to Ramallah in an hour to chat with Arafat. Then we're both going to the Hague.

NETANYAHU

Gah!

BART

You might want to get a head start on suspending those settlements. This is going to look really bad for you.

NETANYAHU

Awful boy!

NETANYAHU

You're making a huge mistake.

BART

I'm doing what I believe.

NETANYAHU

What you believe is shit.

BART

I believe in justice.

LISA

I can say the F word to my mom now.

YOUNG WIGGUM

I hear your mom begs for shake on the streets

LISA

...

SKINNER

Young Wiggum. That's really a low blow.

YOUNG WIGGUM

I heard it from you

SKINNER

You read my Xanga?

YOUNG WIGGUM

All the kids are talking about the Fallen Simpsons. How bud ruined their lives. Their house is going to be repossessed.

NETANYAHU

Justice is a lie for naive schoolboys.

BART

I'm a man. I'm a soldier. And now I'm leaving. Mind if I take a brick for the road?

NETANYAHU

Awful boy!

BART

You should really have a toke, Bibi. You look nervous. Goodbye.

NETANYAHU

You're making a mistake.

BART

Peace.

LISA

I have to choose which house I go to after school.

TODD

The father's place

RODD

Or the TWIN AUNTS

LISA

This J is poorly rolled

MARGE

Homer. Open the door.

HOMER

I missed you, my wife.

MARGE

You said Bart was leaving Iraq.

HOMER

He did leave.

MARGE

You bastard

HOMER

Tropical Man told me he's in Israel

MARGE

Israel? That shithole?

HOMER

Marge!

MAGGIE

Those people are suffering!

MARGE

Sorry

MAGGIE

Bart might make this world a better place

HOMER

Make the grass greener on all sides

MARGE

You're toked out

HOMER

Take a hit.

MARGE

Don't mind if I do.

NELSON

I get greens, ma'am.

MARGE

What?

HOMER

I got a new kid.

MARGE

That's just that dirty kid Nelson?

HOMER

His parents owed me money

MARGE

You're not still...

HOMER

I stopped. But my last ounce of brick went to the Nelson Trailer.

MARGE

They should have never had him, he's a disgrace to our town.

HOMER

He can clean himself at least

MAGGIE

Revolting.

NELSON

Sir. Ma'am. I'd love to have a hit of marijuana.

HOMER

Go ahead, boy. And call me "father".

NELSON

That's really weird.

HOMER

I've accepted that Bart is gone forever. I just want a new chill teen to smoke pot with.

NELSON

Sonic?

HOMER

Sonic abandoned me.

FLANDERS

I smell pot

HOMER

I didn't invite you to my house

FLANDERS

I'm taking just one hit, then I'll leave.

HOMER

I'm serious.

FLANDERS

You lame fuck. Iraq changed you. You used to share all your weed. No matter what. Now you're hoarding it.

HOMER

You deserve none

FLANDERS

And this ugly little Nelson kid does? Look at him. He's crying. He's a selfish brat who drove his family into debt

HOMER

No weed.

HOMER

Nelson is my boy now.

FLANDERS

You sure know how to pick them, Homer.

HOMER

Here's a couple of stems. Now get the fuck out.

FLANDERS

I'll chew on these weed stems to stay alive through the night.

NELSON

Sir-err, Father?

HOMER

Yes boy.

NELSON

What's under that tarp in the back yard?

HOMER

You're done.

NELSON

What?

HOMER

You're out of a home, you're out of a family and now you're out of my fucking herb. Get out of this place

NELSON

I didn't know-

HOMER

You didn't know about the legendary Springfield Smokeshack? You're a liar. The greats have toked here

NELSON

Not Marley.

HOMER

No, not Marley. You're right. But you're still going to live in the gutter.

MARGE

You're a fucking animal now, Homer.

HOMER

I think this shit was laced. I feel sick.

MAGGIE

It's your imagination. This weed is good.

HOMER

I'm sick. Call Apu.

MAGGIE

We're not calling that guy again, he's afraid of us.

HOMER

Please call Apu. I'm seeing shit.

MAGGIE

You're tripping? On pot?

HOMER

Someone laced this shit with angel dust and ketamine.

MAGGIE

That doesn't happen in real life.

HOMER I'm in the depths of a K-Hole

HOMER

Where's my Amethyst

MAGGIE

It's in the Gazebo, dad.

HOMER

It's my birthstone

MAGGIE

It's a rock you tripped out psycho.

HOMER

Bring my my amethyst pendant.

MARGE

I'll go get it. Lie down.

HOMER

Let me touch it

MARGE

Your fingers are twitching

HOMER

Put it on my face.

MARGE

It's there.

HOMER

This Amethyst is clearing toxins out from my body.

MAGGIE

That's not scientific

HOMER

Science is just another religion, Maggie. Stop being such a piece brat. I miss my sons

MAGGIE

Nelson is in the yard crying

HOMER

Nelson is going to steal my rare stone.

MAGGIE

We got it in Ocean City for ten dollars

HOMER

I'm high

MAGGIE

Can we make a promise, as a family?

MARGE

I'll do anything to save my family. The Twin Sisters are oppressive.

HOMER

Help me

MAGGIE

Let's forget about this. Bart is taking care of himself. He's making his own choices. Let's just continue being chill and smoking.

MAGGIE

We'll have family dinners, sit on the couch, and pass the shit around. It will feel good.

HOMER

I'll smoke to stay focused

MARGE

I'll smoke to dampen the flames of hatred which engulf my heart.

MAGGIE

I'll smoke. right now. to get lifted.

[The following day]
HOMER

I can't stop moving my shoulders up and down.

MARGE

You're shrugging.

HOMER

It feels good...I'm blazed

MAGGIE

This purp gets stronger with age.

MARGE

This dry shit is getting me higher than Moe's sticky.

MAGGIE

Bus Rocker deals now.

MARGE

You bought this from him?

MAGGIE

He rocks on the way to school and deals on the way home.

MARGE

How much for an 8th?

MAGGIE

45

MARGE

That's VIP Price.

MAGGIE

I've known him for years. He just bought a grow lamp.

MARGE

This pot is incredible. Kudos to him.

HOMER

Where is Lisa?

MARGE

Lisa has been cowering for days at my sisters' home.

HOMER

They're twins.

MARGE

They look alike.

LISA

I'm not going home. I'll get too high and emotional.

THELMA & SELMA: Their shit is too hairy. Too many crystals.

LISA

Last I heard, my dad was in the K-Hole.

THELMA & SELMA: That's not good. Keep hitting this brown and dry.

LISA

I'm addicted to mids

LISA

Slight headache, body high, little bit of hunger. I giggle now and then. Mids is controllable, convenient and cheap.

LISA

Kush should be saved for special occasions. You can't toke only the best shit. You'll lose yourself in fields of green. Mids , though.

THELMA & SELMA: We didn't approve of Marge marrying that kush maniac. Mids clear the mind. Kush breeds psychosis.
LISA

No bongs, either.

THELMA & SELMA: Bongs are for weirdos. Who wants to smoke out of some science lab prop? We roll tight bones.
LISA

I can barely hit this J

THELMA & SELMA: That one's spliff. It's a mix of tobacco and weed.
LISA

I feel the nicotine, as a stimulant, flowing through me.

LISA

The nicotine helps me stay awake while this dry eights of hairless weed keeps me grounded. I'm at home here. I'm not going back.

THELMA & SELMA: We can visit them on holidays.
LISA

We can smoke kush twice a year.

THELMA & SELMA: It's better that way.

MAGGIE

My sister smokes schwag with the twin hags. Her soul is corrupted by the unholy poison of nicotine. Our family's decline continues.

HOMER

You lack something.

NELSON

Sir?

HOMER

You're not my son.

NELSON

I know.

HOMER

But even my son is not my son.

HOMER

He is a warrior. I have come to terms with it. But I still need fluffy kush to help me forget it sometimes.

NELSON

I need to smoke

HOMER

It's not your fault you don't live up to Bart's legacy.

NELSON

I want to blaze please

HOMER

He was a special boy.

NELSON

Please roll one

HOMER

He had such passion. He loved the world

NELSON

I'm not high but I want to be

HOMER

I still love him.

NELSON

Let's chief

HOMER

But things are different. But then, all parents must watch their children outgrow them.

NELSON

Roll one

FLANDERS

Homer, you neglect this boy

HOMER

It's not your business. I'm reflecting on my son's absence.

NELSON

Do you have bud, mister?

FLANDERS

Nelson needs love and attention just like Bart did

HOMERS

He's just a weed rat

NELSON

Let's chief

HOMERS

He doesn't need love.

FLANDERS

He feels loved when he smokes with his surrogate father

HOMER

No. He feels high when he smokes my weed for free.

NELSON

Please

HOMER

You're wrong. This boy is pathetic. He is enslaved by his own desires.

FLANDERS

As if you were any different at your age?

NELSON

Let's smoke

HOMER

Quiet, boy! Flanders, it is the duty of the father to prevent his children from making the same mistakes he did.

FLANDERS

We learn from our mistakes

NELSON

Roll that shit

HOMER

You're telling me this boy is learning from this behavior?

NED

He's learning how to get what he wants

HOMER

Spoken like a true capitalist

NED

I'm a realist

HOMER

And I'm too high for this shit

HOMER

Come on, boy, let's toke

FLANDERS

I thought you were trying to teach him moderation?

HOMER

Now I'm just trying to get my smoke on.

HOMER

Come on, Nelson [hands him a massive bong] Enter the 36 chambers with me

NELSON

[takes a huge hit] It tastes like blueberries

HOMER

It's blueberry kush from East Texas

NELSON

How do they make it taste like that?

HOMER

I smoke it, I don't study it. Pass that shit.

HOMER

Now that we're sufficiently stoned I need to talk to you about something serious

NELSON

Let's keep smoking.

HOMER

You're neglecting your studies

NELSON

Pass it

HOMER

I love smoking weed with my new son but you have responsibilities.

NELSON

Give

HOMER

[holding bong out of Nelson's reach] Stop. Stop trying to grab the bong. I'm trying to teach you how to live a good life.

HOMER

You're pathetic. A pathetic boy. Leave the house now. I owe nothing to you.

NELSON

Please. Please. My family can't afford berry kush

HOMER

You're pathetic. A pathetic boy. Leave the house now. I owe nothing to you.

NELSON

Please. Please. My family can't afford berry kush

HOMER

They can afford it. They just choose not to.

NELSON

It's not that simple.

HOMER

I want you out of here. Is that simple enough?

HOMER

You're a parasite

NELSON

I'm your son

HOMER

I have two sons and you're not one of them

NELSON

I want to smoke here forever

HOMER

I don't care. This isn't a weed charity

NELSON

I can't go back

HOMER

I don't care where you go but you're done here. You're out.

HOMER

You make me sick

FLANDERS

Homer that's enough

NELSON

Please Mr. Homer

FLANDERS

Come on, Nelson. I have a canister of K2 at home

HOMER

You two enjoy that. Remember what you could have had, Nelson. [holds up hairy nug of blueberry kush] This could have been your life

NELSON

I'm scared.

FLANDERS

You're not a good man, Homer

HOMER

I've been through a lot. Fuck you.

HOMER

[exhales massive bong hit] Why does everything around me turn to shit?

HOMER

[looks at bong thoughtfully] Is it you, my old friend? Are you the one causing this suffering? I cannot believe it. I refuse.

HOMER

I cannot blame you. I am the cause of my own suffering. Bart was right. I use weed to make others love me.

HOMER

Can I really blame them when I inevitably realize that they only loved my weed? I cultivated these empty and poisonous relationships

HOMER

Weed isn't the problem. It's what I use it for. It's not a good foundation for relationships. I'm realizing this now.

HOMER

High quality bud can make an already strong relationship grow, but it cannot build it from scratch. It is a fertilizer, not a seed.

FLANDERS

[answers phone] Hello?

HOMER

Let me talk to Nelson

FLANDERS

Don't call this number anymore, Homer

HOMER

It's important

FLANDERS

Fuck off [hangs up]

HOMER

It appears I have come to understand my greatest flaw long after there was any hope left of fixing it

CARL

The father is broken, defeated.

LENNY

His family lies in shambles around him

MOE

Does he shoulder all of the blame?

FLANDERS

I couldn't have my own children. I can't pay for my own weed. But I can do what I do best: taking from others

FLANDERS

I'm going to raise you right, kid. Here. Borrow my xbox, I'll be right back.

NELSON

Unless this Xbox can blaze I don't care.

[ext. TWIN SISTERS ranch house]
FLANDERS

Lisa. You can't stay here. They're using you for your rolling skills

LISA

I roll perfect blunts

LISA

they're family.

FLANDERS

I'm your family now.

LISA

You don't even have your own weed

FLANDERS

I have grinders though

FLANDERS

I'll care for you more than your deadbeat dad

LISA

Do you have a bath tub and a three litre bottle?

FLANDERS

Yes.

LISA

You would be a bad father

FLANDERS

I have a bong from the gas station. It hits hard

LISA

You disgust me

FLANDERS

What if I told you I knew where Ken is?

LISA

What if I told you to buzz off and let me smoke this shake?

BART

My family anguishes while I perform my patriotic duty in the Middle East. Are they my greatest responsibility? Or my country?

BART

My tolerance is starting to drop again. I'm not sure if I can resist the sinister strains of the Near East.

BART

I may lapse again into a haze of marijuana-induced malaise. I fear that I may not be able to perform my duties. I must be disciplined

FLANDERS

I'm a good man.

LISA

You're worthless

FLANDERS

My worth is not tied to how much weed I have

LISA

That's where you're wrong

LISA

It is. And you have no weed. And you have no value as a human being.

FLANDERS

Terrible girl! Where did you learn your horrible ways!

LISA

I learned by example. My family used to smoke an ounce a day.

FLANDERS

All I can provide is love and an inexpensive bong

LISA

Leave my family's 3 foot tempered glass piece for your plastic toy? I laugh!

FLANDERS

You family is ruined.

LISA

Only temporarily

FLANDERS

You have faith in that in that foolish father of yours?

LISA

Get out of my face you depressing fuck.

FLANDERS

Language! Spicy!

LISA

The Simpson family will be proud once again.

FLANDERS

You're blind to your inevitable doom

LISA

[spits at his feet] Fuck off!

HOMER

Marge?

MARGE

Why are you in the tub?

HOMER

this entire tub is actually a gravity bong

MARGE

Its three AM...

HOMER

I am stoned.

HOMER

I fashioned a bowl to this soda bottle.

MARGE

and?

HOMER

I light bud and lift it out of the water.

MARGE

A vacuum effect.

HOMER

Correct. This bottle fills with jaundiced smoke and I inhale it from our dirty bathwater

MARGE

That smoke is too yellow.

HOMER

Apu took a bath in here today

MARGE

that's potent

HOMER

Apu's filth carries weed to my lungs

FLANDERS

I thought that my good character could bring me happiness and love, but the world is unforgiving.

FLANDERS

Unconditional love does not exist. Love is only allowed once brutal greet has been sated. My lack of kind buds condemns me forever

FLANDERS

I understand that the world is like this... but why did everyone always tell me it wasn't? I wasn't prepared for this loneliness

FLANDERS

I resent homer and I try to foil his attempt to adopt a new boy... but why? Is it just sour grapes?

FLANDERS

At least Nelson wanted to be around him. I can't say the same for myself. Homer just learned the rules before me. That's all.

FLANDERS

I can't blame him. He's simply surviving, just like everyone else. His family may be in ruins, but at least he has a family.

FLANDERS

Meanwhile I sit alone on my shitty porch, smoking my shitty legal synthetic weed out of a shitty plastic gas station bong.

HOMER

[picks up phone] Hello?

FLANDERS

It's Flanders. I want to apologize.

HOMER

Fuck you.

FLANDERS

Please hear me out.

HOMER

What the hell do you want?

FLANDERS

I understand the way of the world now. I want to learn to be like you.

HOMER

What the fuck?

HOMER

Have you been smoking that gas station spice again?

FLANDERS

Yes but that's not relevant.

HOMER

I think it is.

FLANDER

Maybe a bit

FLANDERS

You buy affection with weed. I want to learn how to do that.

HOMER

It's not a good thing. You don't want this.

FLANDERS

I do.

HOMER

You're a good man, Flanders. Don't do this.

FLANDERS

I'm a piece of shit. I'm so lonely. I'm so god damn lonely, homer.

HOMER

Calm down. Come over. I'll smoke you out. We'll fix this.

FLANDERS

Thank you, Homer. Thank you so much. You're such a good friend.

FLANDERS

Thanks for letting me come over.

HOMER

Sure thing. Have a seat. You ever smoked blueberry kush?

FLANDERS

No. I smelled it before

HOMER

Know what your problem is? [takes huge hit]

FLANDERS

What?

HOMER

[holding in hit] You're too cynical

FLANDERS

What do you mean?

HOMER

[exhales in his face]

FLANDERS

[coughs heavily]

FLANDERS

How do you have so much weed?

HOMER

I just buy it with the money I make at my job from a weed dealer.

FLANDERS

It's that simple?

HOMER

What did you think was happening?

FLANDERS

I don't know

HOMER

OK. Hit this.

HOMER

And I didn't start buying weed to bribe my family into loving me. It turned into that, but at first, I just wanted to share with them

FLANDERS

How did it start?

HOMER

I guess I just realized it was easier for me to bring home a fat sack than to go to Bart's soccer games

HOMER

And they both got the same response. That's how it was for years in this family. Only now am I realizing what's wrong with that.

HOMER

Don't get me wrong, I'll blaze until the day I die.

FLANDERS

[exhaling blunt hit] Of course.

HOMER

But I feel like the foundation of love and support in this family was eroded by time, and replaced by weed.

HOMER

That foundation wasn't able to support Bart's deployment, Ken's incarceration, all the shit that's happened. So it crumbled.

HOMER

What I'm saying is, you can't build a strong family with marijuana alone.

FLANDERS

[holding in blunt hit] I think I understand.

FLANDERS

Where's your bathroom?

HOMER

[exhaling blunt hit] You've never pissed in my house?

FLANDERS

I guess not.

HOMER

Weird.

HOMER

Back of the hall on the left.

FLANDERS

OK I'll be right back.

HOMER

Hit this shit first.

FLANDERS

OK [takes huge hit]

HOMER

Flanders isn't so bad after all. He's very confused. Not that I have everything figured out. I'm glad I could help him.

FLANDERS

There was a bunch of dirty water and half a 2 liter bottle in your bathtub so I cleaned it up

HOMER

Are you kidding me

FLANDERS

What... What's wrong? Did I overstep a boundary?

HOMER

You fucked up my family's gravity bong you shmuck

MARGE

Homer? Do you know what happened to the gravity bong?

HOMER

Flanders drained it.

MARGE

What the fuck?

HOMER

I know.

HOMER

Please get out of my house, Ned.

FLANDERS

But what about our conversation?

HOMER

I meant it, but I can't look at you right now.

MARGE

I'm so glad he's gone

HOMER

He's such a fuck-up. But I feel bad for him.

MARGE

I hate when he's around

HOMER

He has problems too.

SMITHERS

Sir we found this man breaking into one of our grow houses. BENDER: Get your goddamn hands off me.

SMITHERS

Shall I call the authorities?

BURNS

Perhaps that isn't necessary. Let me have a word with him

SMITHERS

Ok

BURNS

Why did you come to this place boy? To get a free buzz off my glowing green bud?

BENDER

I am out of options. Sonic took everything.

BURNS

Sonic?

BENDER

I just wanted to sell my brick

BURNS

Sonic works for me

BENDER

I want to sell my brick and leave

BURNS

You sell for me now

BENDER

Please

BURNS

If you cherish your freedom you will comply.

BENDER

My clients can't afford kush

BURNS

Clients? Don't make me laugh.

BENDER

You are really not chill, do you even burn?

BURNS

I'm sober as shit

APU, hanging up phone

Homer just left me fifteen voice mails asking me to roll around outside and then come take a bath at his house

BART

[visibly high] Why do I wander this savage desert? To whom do I owe these violent acts? I used to be a peaceful American boy.

BART

I thought I was resigned to my role as an enforcer for our corrupt American oligarchy. As my weed tolerance shrinks, my doubts grow.

BART

The only thing keeping me here is the inertia of my crimes. The weight of the blood on my hands anchors me in this sea of sand.

BART

Perhaps I belong at home with my family. At least I would be among people who love me. But I have denied so many others that right.

BART

After taking the lives of so many fathers and brothers, do I deserve to return to my own?

BART

How can I face my mother when I have deprived so many mothers of their sons throughout this land? Do I still deserve that love?

BART

The marijuana helps me feel my guilt more intensely, but also causes me to doubt and process the guilt.

BART

I have found that Hindu Kush provides the most introspective and meditative high. It both activates and soothes the mind.

BURNS

This is a global operation. You chumps will make it big here

BENDER

Shove it

THE KRUSTY MIME

I'm in too deep. I gotta buy a nickel

BURNS

A fucking nickelbag?

KRUSTY

yeah.

BURNS

What is that like a sixth of a gram?

BENDER

It's two hits max. And I'm talking schwag.

KRUSTY

I didn't come here to be judged.

BURNS

You're insane.

KRUSTY

I only smoke fivebags

BURNS, aside

This is shady.

SMITHERS

let's go over the plan

BURNS

We have word that the Lebanese have engineered a strain that is white as paper

BENDER

Bullshit

SMITHERS

These nuggets are composed entirely of crystals

BURNS

If you smoke this pot, you will become emblazoned

SMITHERS

Blazed, sir.

TWIN 1: She's too good for our brown weed.
TWIN 2: She longs for the comfort of home and the firey dank her parents give her.
TWIN 1: The spoiled bourgeois girl needs fluffy purp
TWIN

She doesn't appreciate the comfortable, simple high of a dry brown nug

TWIN 1: She belongs with Marge and Homer
TWIN 2: She needs to blaze and with us she will only ever simmer
CARL

Does the boy drift homeward?

LENNY

Or deeper into violence, his own mind?

MOE

The broken family begins to stir.

BART

I'm going home.

CHENEY

You're doing nothing of the sort.

BART

Mr. Cheney, please, I--

CHENEY

You're not leaving the Middle East.

CHENEY

You signed a contract with the army. Ten years. Remember?

BART

Can't I just be dishonorably discharged?

CHENEY

Blood in, blood out

BART

What does that mean...?

CHENEY

It's simple. You kill for us, or you die.

BART

That wasn't in the contract.

CHENEY

It was implied.

CHENEY

You're too valuable here in Iraq and too risky to have back in the states

BART

I'm done killing. I want to go home to my family.

CHENEY

Unless your family lives at the bottom of a ditch in the Arabian Desert I suggest we end this conversation immediately.

BART

I want to talk to Bush. He's more chill.

CHENEY

Bush is in America

BART

I need to see that relaxed toker.

CHENEY

Don't you remember how you felt when the towers fell?

BART

It was terrible.

CHENEY

Yes... yes. Remember that feeling. Embrace it

BART

But you have me killing activists...poets...Why? What do they have to do with it?

CHENEY

[enraged] THEY HAVE EVERYTHING TO DO WITH IT

BART

You're a monster. A demented old monster.

CHENEY

I run this country. I run this fucking planet.

BART

You're fucking delusional

BART

You're just a murderer and a bully. You can't keep me here.

CHENEY

I can do whatever the fuck I want.

BART

No.

BART

[draws sidearm]

CHENEY

Fool...what are you doing? Do you know what will happen if---

BART

[points pistol at his foot, pulls trigger]

GUARDS

What happened?!

BART

Gah! I accidentally discharged my sidearm. Help... call a medic.

CHENEY

You fucking slime. You dog.

DOCTOR

The surgery went well, Bart. But I have bad news.

BART

Shit... What is it, doc?

DOCTOR

You won't be able to serve anymore.

BART

Christ... I have to go home?

DOCTOR

I'm afraid so.

BART

I'm going to miss being on the battlefield.

DOCTOR

I know, soldier.

[DOCTOR exits]
[CHENEY stands in the doorway, scowling. BART grins.]
BART

I guess this is "blood out"

CHENEY

You think this will work?

BART

It already did work you impotent old fuck. Your shitty heart won't last until Thanksgiving.

CHENEY

Fuck you.

BART

Get out of here

BART

I'm going home to my loving family. I'm going to smoke Bubba Kush every morning. Enjoy the prison you've built for yourself.

CHENEY

I love my life you miserable twerp

BART

You love nothing. Your soul is dead just like your worthless heart.

CHENEY

Fuck off

CARL

The boy is truly bound for home

LENNY

The wayward daughter also returns

MOE

The broken family, nearly reunited

MAGGIE

I've been listening to some stuff

MARGE

[picking out stems] Listening?

MAGGIE

Infowars

MARGE

Honey your eyes are so red

MAGGIE

My breathing is laboured

MARGE

Have a green hit.

MAGGIE

[exhales] I miss being a whole family

MARGE

Bush will get us all killed.

MAGGIE

I can't breathe

LISA

Why is CLOWN outside sobbing?

MARGE

getting into the game is rough in a guy

LISA

He turned down stems

MARGE

Hes going to lebanon

LISA

are we still talking about hash? I'm going back to my twin aunts.

MARGE

We lay off the brown brick

MAGGIE

Making hash is elaborate

MARGE

It's a long process

LISA

It hits like cinderblock

MAGGIE

Kush goes down like water

MARGE

These Pringles are fucking stale

MARGE

should we ask father to reopen the gazebo?

LISA

He is my father. You're the wife.

MARGE

Whoa. This must be pre-98 bubba kush

HOMER

shit

MARGE

Homer?

HOMER

I haven't fed the dog since 9/11

MARGE

Our innocence as a nation was lost that day

MAGGIE

I've been feeding the dog those chip crumbs you guys keep in the pantry

MARGE

what chip crumbs?

HOMER

You brat...that was kief

HOMER

You fed thirty years of kief to a filthy unloved animal

MARGE

I only have one daughter now

MAGGIE

I fucked up.

WIGGUM

The federal government is on my case now. Burns is doing something shady. I might have to crack down on this city's weed use.

OTHER COP

You smoke more than Homer.

WIGGUM

I can't touch Homer's skill. And it doesn't matter. We're cleaning this town up

OTHER COP

We could just arrest Bus Rocker, call it a day.

WIGGUM

and let Bender and Sonic rip our kids off with mids?

WIGGUM

This town is going dry. That's all there is to it. We've been playing around for too long.

WIGGUM

Our library hasn't been used in three years. We lead lives of hedonism that would make the Greeks blush. Endless tokes....

WIGGUM

Do you know what my kid said to me yesterday?

OTHER COP

No, sir.

WIGGUM

"I live to fill my bubbler with Baja Blast"

WIGGUM

Our chillness brought us together, but this town will end up dying. We are being strangled by orange hairs. It chokes life from us.

WIGGUM

Rainbows crossing through billows of haze. Dreams displayed and fulfilled for all to enjoy. But at the cost of our future.

WIGGUM

We are complacent in our rapid succession bong hits. The cooled smoke turns us into relaxed creatures of sinful habit.

WIGGUM

Tomorrow we are raiding Moe's bed and breakfast store.

BART

[on military transport plane] My shattered foot leads me homeward like a hobbled steed. What awaits me in that familiar place?

BART

I head towards a familiar place, but an unfamiliar situation. My shattered family slowly gravitates back towards that hazy gazebo.

BART

The gazebo of my father, who is the greatest weed smoker I have ever known. Yet I hesitate to name him the best man I have known.

BART

But what is a "great man?" A man who has done the most to change the world? By that criteria, Cheney is a great man.

BART

My father has not changed the world, but he has done no harm. He has smoked out hundreds of his weedless peers.

HOMER

[exhaling huge blunt it] It's so good to have you back, Bart

BART

I missed this place

HOMER

You need to hit this shit.

MARGE

Bart we missed you. We were smoking spice for awhile

HOMER

The boy doesn't need to hear about that

BART

Spice? What the hell?

BART

This family only smokes the finest herb. Why were you smoking legal gas station weed?

MARGE

All that matters is our son and this kush

MARGE

What was it like over there, Bart?

BART

...

HOMER

Marge, the boy doesn't want to talk about it. Let him enjoy the blunt.

LISA

We missed you so much, Bart. Things got bad

HOMER

It wasn't that bad

LISA

[to Bart] We were smoking legal gas station weed.

BART

I know

LISA

You left us.

MARGE

He was defending his country

HOMER

There wouldn't even be weed if it wasn't for men like Bart

BART

I'm not a hero.

MARGE

Don't be modest. You killed bad men who wanted to hurt our country.

BART

It's more complex than that.

BART

The only heroic thing I did was getting Netanyahu arrested

MARGE

He's a friend of our country

HOMER

Israel is our ally, Bart

BART

It's more complex than that.

HOMER

We can't change the world... [hits blunt] So let's change the subject.

LISA

Good idea.

LISA

I just realized something.

MARGE

What is it, honey?

LISA

[smiling proudly] We've already smoked an ounce today

MARGE

This family is getting back on its feet.

LISA

I finally feel safe again.

HOMER

I'm so happy my son is home from the Middle East.

[MOE sits across a glass divider from KEN]
MOE

You fucked up, kid.

KEN

I know, Moe... I know.

MOE

I don't know if I can get you out

KEN

It was self defense. I swear, Moe

MOE

I know that. Try telling it to a jury. You got a reputation

KEN

I was just tryin' to do right by my family

MOE

Try telling that to a jury

KEN

They offered me a plea deal.

KEN

7 years if I cop to assault with a deadly weapon. Eligible for parole after 3

MOE

What's your family gonna do for those 3 years?

MOE

You know Bart's home right? You think they'll remember your sorry ass when you get out?

KEN

Stop... please. No

MOE

You should be glad I even came down here. More than I can say for your father

KEN

He's busy.

MOE

Busy blazing kush with Bart

KEN

Why are you trying to turn me against my family?

MOE

You deserve better

KEN

I love them

MOE

They forgot about you

KEN

They have a lot going on

MOE

You don't?

KEN

Fuck you.

MOE

Ken--

KEN

Get out of here. Don't come back.

MOE

I'm your family now

KEN

You're a shitty old weed dealer

MOE

I have other stuff going on too

KEN

No you don't

MOE

Whatever

MOE

I'm leaving

KEN

Good

MOE

Enjoy prison

KEN

Fuck you.

MOE

See ya

KEN

Fuck off

FLANDERS

Hello Bart. You're a hero for our nation. I'm glad to see you home.

HOMER

Flanders, leave now. It's family time.

FLANDERS

Sorry

LISA

He's just here to blaze for free

FLANDERS

I wasn't planning on it but I can contribute a mango blunt wrap.

HOMER

Jesus Christ

MARGE

We're trying to reconnect with our damaged son.

FLANDERS

Maggie brought up bud, not me

HOMER

That's Lisa

LISA

He's faded on spice

FLANDERS

Can I just sit here in the smokey gazebo? I don't need to take a hit.

BART

This is really sad.

HOMER

He's like this now.

HOMER

He drained a 4 day gravity bong

BART

You serious?

FLANDERS

I'm sorry

HOMER

He's out of control

FLANDERS

Sorry

FLANDERS

I just want to be loved

BART

I didn't fight in Iraq for this

FLANDERS

I want weed and a family of my own

HOMER

Calm down

FLANDERS

I think this spice was laced

MARGE

Chevron didn't lace your K2

BART

Is he serious?

HOMER

Yep

BART

Why are you like this, Flanders?

FLANDERS

Please. I respect you. Don't do this to me?

BART

Why did you drain my father's grav bong?

LISA

We can't handle you right now, Flanders

HOMER

He can't even handle himself

FLANDERS

I just want to hotbox

BART

Be gone.

MARGE

This is so intrusive, Ned.

LISA

He doesn't have a family so he doesn't know what it's like

HOMER

OK that's kind of harsh.

HOMER

Flanders is a nuisance but he has a pure heart

LISA

I agree with the first part of that sentence.

BART

He's got to go

FLANDERS

[desperately inhaling the secondhand weed smoke]

BART

This is grim.

MARGE

There's no THC in that smoke. He's wasting his time.

HOMER

He's making a fool of himself.

LISA

He always does.

BART

He has a problem. There's something wrong with his mind.

FLANDERS

I'm sorry about the bathtub.

HOMER

It was a gravity bong.

FLANDERS

I'm sorry about the gravity bong.

HOMER

It's not about that.

HOMER

You're upsetting my family and ruining my son's return home from the military.

FLANDERS

I wanted to pay my respects.

HOMER

You've paid your respects, so much so that we've lost almost all respect for you. Take what's left and go home. Go to bed.

FLANDERS

I'm going home now. I'm sorry

LISA

You're sorry alright

HOMER

That's enough, Lisa

BART

He makes me sick

FLANDERS

I'm going

BART

I didn't fight in Iraq for this.

MARGE

We know, Bart. We know

BART

Ridiculous.

HOMER

He's a ridiculous man.

LISA

I wish he was dead

MARGE

Lisa! Too much!

BART

Don't talk like that, Lisa. Death is serious.

HOMER

She's a rude girl sometimes

HOMER

I just realized my bread is almost done. I'll be right back.

BART

He bakes now?

MARGE

He's really good at it.

BART

So much has changed.

MARGE

We've been through a lot, Bart.

BART

I've changed.

LISA

We still love you.

BART

You don't know what I've done.

MARGE

I don't need to know. You're my son.

BART

[hits the blunt] Cool.

HOMER

Hot pans coming through. Clear a space. Move that candle. [Homer sets two loaf pans on the wrought iron cafe table]

HOMER

This one is zucchini-pumpkin, that one is banana.

BART

Zucchini-pumpkin?! Gourmet chef Homer!

HOMER

[blushing] It's just a hobby

MARGE

It's not just a hobby. He's really good

BART

Dad, this is incredible. I'm going to gain back all the weight I lost in the army.

BART

I would order this at a restaurant. I'm serious.

HOMER

Thanks. I've been working on my recipes a lot lately.

BART

Dad, I gotta ask... Is there herb in this bread?

MARGE

He doesn't do that

HOMER

My cooking and my blazing are completely separate

MARGE

It's healthy to have a hobby. An outlet for your frustrations and pain

BART

Mom...

MARGE

I'm just saying, Bart.

BART

The things I've seen, the pain I feel... Baking bread isn't going to help that.

MARGE

You could write about it.

BART

How do you write about things so horrifying you can't even describe them?

MARGE

I'm just trying to help.

HOMER

Leave the boy alone

MARGE

I'm his mother

HOMER

He was a soldier. He'll always carry that with him

BART

He's right

BART

I appreciate you trying to help, but I'm not ready yet. Maybe one day. In the meantime I just want to blaze and eat this banana bread

LISA

The heart wants what it wants.

BART

And this bong wants to get packed to the brim with fluffy purple kush. Let's do this.

LISA

Is this the blueberry kush?

HOMER

It's called "Grape Ape"

MARGE

It's fire.

LISA

I'm glad we're a family again

BART

We were too hard on Flanders

HOMER

He has to learn

MARGE

He drained the gravity bong.

BART

He didn't know

MARGE

It was a seasoned grav bong. The water was dark yellow.

BART

He meant no harm. We should invite him back over for a toke.

FLANDERS

I'm so grateful to be hitting this piece with your family

HOMER

Act like you've been there before

BART

Calm down, Flanders

LISA

He's coughing up a lung!

FLANDER

Sorry

MARGE

Do you need some water?

FLANDER

I don't usually smoke buds of this quality

HOMER

It hits hard.

FLANDER

I'm already blazed.

HOMER

You done hitting this?

FLANDER

No give me another hit.

LISA

He's a masochist.

FLANDER

Can I have some of this bread?

HOMER

That's for my family.

BART

Come on, Flanders, don't eat the bread

FLANDERS

It's so good

[FLANDERS grunts and exhales a huge hit through a mouthful of banana bread]
BART

This was a mistake

LISA

He's disgusting.

BART

I'm sorry. I'm trying to be more compassionate.

HOMER

It's not your fault. It's his fault. He's an awful man.

BART

I love getting high with my family more than anything. But a darkness still lurks inside me. I feel like I don't belong here.

HOMER

What's that, Bart?

BART

Nothing.

LISA

Flanders is making a mess of the gazebo. There are crumbs everywhere.

BART

I think this relaxing time spent chiefing kind buds with with my family may only be a temporary calm before my inevitable collapse.

BART

Guys, I'm kind of tired. Think I'm going to go to bed.

HOMER

Good idea. I think we've all had enough fun for one day.

LISA

I'm beat.

MARGE

Everybody grab a dish or a bong. Let's go inside.

[From the shadows across the street, MOE watches the family enter the house]

MOE

They don't know what they have. They don't know what they've lost. [takes last hit of blunt, tosses it onto street]

MOE

How I've longed for a son like Ken. Yet these fools let him rot in prison. Alone, all alone. He pushes me away, but he will understand.

WIGGUM

The feds are breathing down my neck

BURNS

What do you want me to do?

WIGGUM

You have connections.

BURNS

Not in the FBI

WIGGUM

Fuck... Fuck...

BURNS

Calm down. You need to hit this. It's called drips

SMITHERS

Dabs, sir. Not even close

WIGGUM

My son is going to grow up without a father. I'm his fucking hero, do you understand? And I'm headed to prison

BURNS

Not my problem

WIGGUM

After all the times I bailed your guys out of drug trafficking charges

BURNS

And I'm grateful for that. But I can't help you.

WIGGUM

My son... my family...

BURNS

Maybe you should have thought about that before you dishonored your badge so profoundly.

WIGGUM

You asked me to

BURNS

Yes. YOU. YOU. And YOU did what I asked. And now YOU will face the consequences. Good day, Officer Wiggum

WIGGUM

Please...

BURNS

I can give you my lawyer's business card. That will be the extent of my assistance in this matter.

LENNY

The pig's actions are catching up with him.

CARL

Our humble town will become smokeless

MOE

Could this be my final joint?

HOMER

[hits the blunt, passes it to MARGE]

MARGE

[hits the blunt]

HOMER

[exhales blunt hit]

MARGE

[exhales blunt hit]

HOMER

I love Bart

BART

I'm ashamed of my actions. I've killed so many people. Each memory is a nightmare that follows me like a shadow. [exhales blunt hit]

HOMER

[hits blunt] My family is nearly reunited but our recent traumatic experiences still distance us from one another [exhales blunt hit]

BART

I don't deserve to be alive.

BART

I wish I could believe in hell so I could know I'd end up there. I wish I could believe in anything but death. I belong in hell.

BART

My mind is a mass grave.

BART

Every moment is a nightmare.

BART

[exhales massive hit of blueberry kush]

LISA

My brother despairs. His crimes weigh heavy on his mind. He will not accept our forgiveness. There is a darkness in him.

HOMER

Outwardly my son appears content to blaze and relax with his family. But there is a shadow in his eyes. He is not really home.

MARGE

Wheres the grinder?

LISA

In the bathroom

MARGE

Why?

LISA

Nevermind it's in the freezer for some reason

HOMER

It activates the THC

MARGE

That makes sense

LISA

Is that true?

BART

[exhales blunt hit] I've heard that before. I think it's true

HOMER

It's true

HOMER

It crystallizes it... makes it stronger

MARGE

That makes sense

HOMER

Why would I make that up

LISA

[hits blunt] Did you freeze this bud? It's potent.

HOMER

You only freeze the grinder. If you freeze the nugs it kills the molecules.

LISA

[exhales blunt hit] That makes sense.

HOMER

Yeah.

BART

[hits blunt] I'm craving eggs for some reason.

MARGE

We're out of eggs.

BART

All I know is, I'm blazed out of my mind.

LISA

Let's try to smoke another ounce today

HOMER

I could do that on my own

HOMER

I don't want to go to work today. I'm too high. I'd rather spend time with my beautiful family. I want to smoke an ounce of kush.

[int. Gazebo]
HOMER

Bart?

BART

Don't worry, Apu is on his way.

HOMER

Apu can finally feel safe.

BART

Can apu hit the grav bong?

HOMER

Apu's going to think he's smoking his own sweaty bath water

BART

How yellow was it?

HOMER

It looked toxic.

HOMER

Apu's bath water looked toxic but it went down like Arizona chilled tea

BART

Did it hasten the process by which THC affects you?

HOMER

I don't want to talk about it. That water is gone.

BART

That's fine, father.

APU

I'm here for a dub, I'll smoke it at home.

BART

Sit with us.

HOMER

Sit down with my family, I'll smoke you up for free.

APU

I have my own money, and my own family.

HOMER

Just sit down.

BART

Sit down in between us.

APU

That space is only big enough for a small child.

BART

Smoke with us.

HOMER

C'mon

APU

Fine.

BART

Hit this crystal bong. My only spoil of war.

APU

This bong is fucked up on so many levels

HOMER

It hits like a dream

BART

It will make you really high.

APU

I haven't smoked in three hours.

BART

I'll help you clear your hit.

APU

Thanks.

HOMER

Apu?

APU

What?

HOMER

Why are you avoiding eye contact with me?

APU

You're licking your lips a lot.

HOMER

They're dry

APU

It's creepy.

HOMER

I can't stop.

APU

They're really chapped and scabby.

HOMER

So?

APU

I want to use a different piece.

BART

We're using this one.

APU

I don't want to.

BART

Smoke this scabby bong.

APU

No.

BART

It makes you higher.

APU

That makes no fucking sense.

HOMER

Sorry that my fucking flesh isn't good enough for you?

APU

Nobody would want to do this.

MAGGIE

I want a hit, pronto.

HOMER

Hey

MAGGIE

This bong makes me higher, it's from my dad's THC-encrusted lips

BART

I can't stop hitting this smelly weed.

MAGGIE

Is it the weed that smells? Or the top of the bong?

BART

This bong is turning brown from Homer's dirty mouth

HOMER

Am I ruining an ancient piece?

BART

You're making it better.

APU

I've yet to get high.

BART

Hit this.

APU

I don't want to. I'm leaving. I'll go through your living room to say bye to Lisa.

BART, to homer

Lock the fucking doors.

HOMER

Apu. You're not leaving my pink house until you hit this.

APU

It's really nasty and so fucking weird.

BART

Try to leave. I dare you

MAGGIE

We're keeping you here until you're high enough to be happy for one fucking second.

APU

I'm happy around my real family

HOMER

This is your real family. Does your wife toke with you?

APU

She cleans our pieces

HOMER

That's a waste. Take a hit.

APU

No.

APU

If I take a hit from this brown-tinged bong can I leave?

BART

Yes

HOMER

Yes. But you won't want to.

APU

I think I will. [grabs bong]

APU

[exhales] The rim of the bong stuck to my lips a little bit.

BART

Now we have your skin on it too

APU

It tastes like sewage

HOMER

That's just rude.

APU

Nothing you guys do is normal. I'm out.

BART

Bye you ungrateful bum

APU

I'm going to be sick

BART

I'm going outside.

HOMER

'zebo?

BART

Yeah. I'm rolling an L

HOMER

I'll be out in a second. I need water. My lips are infected.

BART

Maggie, you need to take deeper tokes.

MAGGIE

It makes me cough

BART

Just breathe in deeper and hold it, coughing makes you higher

MAGGIE

How come unsanitary things make weed so much better?

BART

I'm not a fucking scientist. Shut your mouth and pass the blunt.

LISA

I'm high too. Just kidding. Pass it.

BART

I haven't gotten a second hit.

LISA

I haven't gotten a first.

MAGGIE

I'm already good.

LISA

I still dream about spice. Let me hit that weed.

BART

Sometimes, I think of you hitting spice, and I get so mad that I have to smoke

LISA

You're always smoking.

BART

I'm always mad.

LISA

You smoked long before I hit spice.

BART

So? I wanted to kill myself.

LISA

You never told us why.

BART

I was sober.

LISA

So?

BART

Do you need to hear more? I was sober for 8 years. I wanted to die.

LISA

You were 8 years old.

BART

There's more to it than that.

LISA

Like?

BART

I'll tell you if I can actually get a fucking hit today

HOMER

Guys. Leave Bart alone. And roll a second blunt. Father is here now.

LISA

I love my toking father.

HOMER

Apu isn't responding to his texts.

BART

Lately, Flanders has filled the role of Apu.

HOMER

[exhales] Apu is lame now

MAGGIE

Look at this

LISA

What the fuck is that?

MAGGIE

A giant flying fox. A type of bat. It's called a "megabat"

LISA

That's horrifying

BART

Stop showing us these weird rodent pictures on your phone.

LISA

I like my new smartphone

BART

Turn it off

HOMER

I always thought that I'd die from some kind of rodent.

LISA

Bats aren't rodents.

HOMER

That shit looks like any other rat

MAGGIE

Sorry for using your phone for this, sister.

LISA

It's why I got it.

BART

Shut your mouths and smoke

HOMER

I'm too high to look at this shit. I need to go outside.

MAGGIE

Did I upset you, father?

HOMER

I hate you kids sometimes

BART

Dad things bats are rodents.

LISA

I pissed him off.

MAGGIE

I started it.

HOMER

Just shut the fuck up please

HOMER

They shouldn't be able to fly. They have normal bones.

BART

Birds can fly because of their hollow bones. Bats have normal ones.

LISA

So bats aren't birds?

MAGGIE

I think they're bugs

BART

They eat bird bones, that helps them stay in the air.

HOMER

Obviously

CARL

Will a bat carry the world on its wings?

CARL

It's small body has a fierce passion.

BART

Why are you in our gazebo?

HOMER

Ew

LISA

Who the fuck is that guy?

MAGGIE

Call the cops.

CARL

Wait I'm sor-

HOMER

He's still talking.

BART

He speaks nonsense.

HOMER

Where is my wife

CARL

The beautiful Simpson wife invited me into your stoner's paradise.

BART

This guy is obnoxious

HOMER

I'm high

LISA

I'm really nervous. This guy is just staring into space.

HOMER

His eyes are glazed over

BART

He's probably high.

CARL

I fucked up.

HOMER

I saw this guy at work. He was sitting alone in a closet rolling Js out of sandpaper

BART

He's probably psychotic.

HOMER

You're in my gazebo, uninvited. You can either start smoking, and stop talking, or leave with the authorities.

CAR

....

BART

This is a nightmare. I'm going skating.

LISA

Can I tag along?

BART

Can you leave me the fuck alone and let me grind in piece?

BART

I want to die more than anything.

MOE

That fucking Homer only ever invites apu to his house. Never room for me.

BARNEY

Marge was always nice to you

MOE

Marge....

MOE

Marge can smoke like the rest of the guys

BARNEY

She smokes weed in order to become stoned and hungry

MOE

a green Venus

FLANDERS

I disagree with Islam.

BART

What do you know about it?

FLANDERS

I just don't like it.

BART

That's idiotic.

HOMER

I'm so tired. Instead of sleeping I'm going to smoke some more green. I know it's unhealthy but I can't stop. I love smoking weed.

HOMER

I am a drug addict.

HOMER

I've denied it for decades but I know it's true.

HOMER

I need help with my drug problem. I can't control myself. I'm a weed smoking machine.

HOMER

No matter what I'm doing, I'm always chasing that next nug.

HOMER

Weed smoke clouds every memory and experience. My life is a waking dream.

HOMER

I wanted to be an artist once. Now I mechanically pursue the means to stay blazed. I am a slave to this wicked plant.

HOMER

Movies, TV, music, "Stoner culture"...They sanction and glorify full blown drug addiction. I didnt realize this until it was too late

HOMER

I need to take a walk.

[Scene: Simpson blvd.]
SKINNER

Hey Homer. You look...sober?

HOMER

I'm going through some shit

SKINNER

Toke with me?

HOMER

Nah but...what's that? A blunt?

SKINNER

It's a Swisher sweet.

HOMER

Lemme hit that

HOMER, exhaling

This shit taste like gumdrop pillows.

SKINNER

They cost two dollars a pack

HOMER

I love this already

HOMER

I'm inhaling the smoke all the way into my lungs, holding it in and then exhaling.

SKINNER

Don't do that.

HOMER

Too late.

HOMER

I'm going to buy a pack.

SKINNER

I think you should chill with bud

HOMER

I literally need more Swishers to stay "okay".

[Int. Apu's shoppe]
HOMER

Hey man.

APU

Uh... hey.

HOMER

You lose your phone?

APU

no....why

HOMER

...

HOMER

Just give me a pack of your sweetest swishers.

APU

Why are your eyes white?

HOMER

Swishers, please.

APU

Okay.

APU

Homer is a lonely guy. He's been through hell. Maybe I've been an asshole. He makes me really uncomfortable though.

APU

He's kind to me in a weird way. But his scabs and odor get to me. I can't believe I bathed in his pink house.

APU

Maybe I should stop by.

MARGE, picking up phone

Hello?

MOE

Hey marge.

MARGE

Hey....what's wrong?

MOE

Just wanted to see how you're doing

MARGE

I'm high

MOE

I'd like to get some of your bud

MARGE

This household is weird today. Homer hasn't smoked for hours.

MOE

I'll come toke

MARGE

That'd be nice, moe.

MOE

Yeah....

MARGE

Youll get greens

MOE

No shit I'll get greens are you kidding me?

HOMER

Ah man...Burns' plant. Haven't been here in a while. I'll pop in.

BURNS

Look what Marley dragged in.

HOMER

What the fuck

HOMER

Don't take Bob's name in vein.

BURNS

Fuck yourself, stoner. You haven't been to work in a year.

HOMER

You son of a bitch

BURNS

You're smoking an M right now.

HOMER

It's an "L", first of all, secondly this is a weedless cigarillo.

BURNS

It smells like pie

HOMER

This shit taste like dental bill debt

BURNS

You're an addict.

HOMER

I'm off weed now. This is enough for me.

BURNS

Did you come here to blow smoke in my face?

HOMER

I came here to think.

BURNS

Ah, but not to work. Never to work.

HOMER

Scrub off

BURNS

What?

HOMER

Sorry. I quit three hours ago. I'm still low.

BURNS

I don't know what that means.

HOMER

Post-emblazoned

BURNS

ah

BURNS

You could have had it all here, Homer.

HOMER

I don't want it.

BURNS

You don't know what goes on behind the scenes

HOMER

You push.

HOMER

We all know you sell weed.

BURNS

How..

HOMER

Sonic has loose lips.

BURNS

Not about his father.

HOMER

True. He misses him.

BURNS

That kid needs to see someone.

HOMER

That kid needs to get beat up

BURNS

Be nice.

HOMER

He's a prick.

BURNS

Before you go, I have an offer for you.

HOMER

What?

BURNS

I need someone to sell for me.

HOMER

I don't carry brick anymore.

BURNS

This isn't brick. It's smaller scale.

HOMER

No hash? no kush?

BURNS

Seeds and stems.

HOMER

What?

BURNS

We need someone on the elementary school front.

HOMER

You want me to sell stems to children?

BURNS

They'll buy anything.

BURNS

We package them in empty Doritos bags and sell them in the woods.

HOMER

Why empty Doritos bags?

BURNS

They can chow on the flavor dust when they're high.

HOMER

...that's torture.

BURNS

They like it.

HOMER

They don't know any better.

BURNS

It's called project Plaseedbo and it works wonders.

HOMER

These kids need real pot.

BURNS

And you don't?

HOMER

I'm different.

BURNS

Take it or leave it, Simon.

HOMER

It's Simpson.

BURNS

Seeds and stems my boy. Seeds and stems.

HOMER

Fuck off

MOE

Marge. It's been so long.

MARGE

Last time I saw you, you were drunk and your balls were hanging out.

MOE

I fucked up

MARGE

We all do. Have some hash.

MOE

I can't smoke brown stuff. It will make me couch locked.

MAGGIE

This is good hash, though.

MOE

Just give me a hit of your lightest green shit. Sativa shit for me.

MARGE

Here you go man.

MOE

I'm high just looking at this

BART

You're kidding, dad... You're giving up kush?

HOMER

I'm interested in finance now.

BART

That's bullshit.

HOMER

It's what I want.

BART

What the hell are you smoking?

HOMER

It's a fruit punch Swisher.

BART

We used to smoke the finest herb.

HOMER

It tastes like candy.

HOMER

I want to live a sober life. I'm tired of my desire for marijuana determining every aspect of my existence.

BART

Fuck this.

HOMER

I know you're angry but this makes me happy.

BART

Fuck your happiness.

HOMER

Bart--

BART

I didn't fight in Iraq for this.

HOMER

Weed smoker Homer was a zombie, an addict. Sober Homer is a complete human being.

BART

Weed smoker Homer was my father.

[LATER]
MARGE

My husband left behind sixteen kilos of fluffy green and purple buds

MOE

He loves his family.

MARGE

He loved getting high..

MOE

He was a true smoker.

MARGE

...[sobs]

MOE

Marge...I'm here for you... [MOE leans in for a kiss]

APU

Hello and sorry Hom-

APU

What on God's green Earth is going on here?

MOE

Apu, you piece of shit. Why are you here? You hate these people.

[MARGE flees]

APU

I came here to apologize to the lonely yellow man

MOE

You've overstepped your boundaries. I'M the new man of this pot den

APU

I've been high as fuck with this man and his young children for years

MOE

I supplied that ungrateful, unloving bald fuck

APU

At the end, he was smoking six bricks of hash and 2 ounces a day

MOE

He smoked like a champion but he loved like a coward

APU

Get the fuck away from me. I'm calling Homer.

MOE

He's selfish. He's out there, sober, thinking things over, he won't believe you

APU

Homer loves me more than anyone or anything. He snapchatted me every blunt he rolled for four years

MOE

Leave. Or I'll get serious.

APU

Put that away..

MOE, with gun

Get the FUCK out. I NEED this Apu. I need to smoke pot with this divine woman and her kids

APU

No..

[Moe chases Apu upstairs]
MOE

You're cornered now. Leave. I'll step aside. But if you stay here, I can't guarantee your safety.

APU, brandishing straight-razor: Homer would want this.
MOE

Homer wanted nothing but to get lifted out of his shitty mind with his son.

MOE

He had that kid and did nothing but corrupt him, he turned him against the rest of his family, and kept him as a weed smoking pet

MOE

Homer forgot about what made him love Marge. her gentle laugh. Her massive tokes, and her rolling skills. Among other things.

MOE

Homer....that piece of shit. He always had what I never did. I rolled in cash and free bud, but I never spent the night with a woman.

MOE

Now I'm taking what I deserve. What I've worked my entire life for. A family. And you're going to die in this humid bathroom.

MOE

Any last words?

APU

You...will never...have her....

[Moe fires gun, Apu stumbles backwards and falls into bathtub, his legs just missing the Grav bottle. He bleeds out into the water]
APU

...my blood.....will make them higher...and stronger....as a family

MOE

My kids will only smoke bones now. But nice try.

MOE

Holy shit. I'm blazed. Marge?

MARGE

Moe...Moe what the fuck?

MOE

I'm a dealer. This happens.

MARGE

I'm calling the cops

MOE

Don't

MOE

I did this so we could be together.

MARGE

I just wanted to toke with you, you psycho

MOE

I thought...

MARGE

I'm going to throw up

MARGE

The atmosphere here is drying the weed out

MOE

Marge...I thought you loved me

MARGE

I only love smoking pot and becoming stoned

MOE

I'm leaving

MARGE

I called the cops

MOE

I made a horrible mistake

MARGE

Wait...

MOE

Marge....?

MARGE

Don't bic me, fucker.

MOE

My entire life I've wanted nothing but the love of a family. But I got into dealing and drinking and nobody loved me. I'm hideous.

MOE

I can't relate to anything or anyone unless it has bundles of cash and a bulging sandwich baggie of fire.

MOE

O, wicked fate, why did you lead me astray from society? The path I followed has room only for a single soul.

MOE, walking in rain

How futile my attempts to blaze and chill with lovers and friends have been. I'm cold to the touch, I'm selfish

MOE

O, world! O, sky! This somber rain you pour upon me, it is not enough. I deserve punishment! I deserve to suffer! Take me, lord.

MOE

If no one else in this world will take me, won't you? Take me into your arms, a sensation I haven't felt since my childhood with Mum.

MOE

Lord in heaven! Creator of worlds! Toke with me! Toke with me in the eternal beyond and let us rejoice in celestial bud.

MOE

I've exhaled pot smoke alone, alone in a damp bar for my entire life. I'm surrounded by people but...I'm ultimately by myself.

MOE

In a desperate attempt to secure love for myself, I have ruined a family. I took what wasn't mine. I strayed from the path of fate.

MOE

This....This is my absolution.

[Moe lifts revolver to his head]

MOE

If I could see them all now. All the people I hurt...

MOE

If I could see them and tell them where my stash is. Just to make up for the lives I've ruined. Would they understand?

MOE

I filled a role. A necessary role in this. Without me as a catalyst, things would not move forward. But I went too far.

MOE

I hurt the only people who trusted me. And now, here, I face my cosmic exoneration. In front of my pub...I built this.

MOE

After all of this, I understand. Weed was everything. Weed and cash. Man delights not me! Bud, tender bud. Take me home.

[GUNSHOT]

MAGGIE

This grav bong is hitting so hard.

LISA

The smoke has a copper taste

MARGE

[sobs]

LISA

Mom? You need some snacks?

MAGGIE

Let's get so high that we trip.

LISA

I'm budded out

FLANDERS

I'm sorry I ruined this before, it's hitting hard, what's your secret

MARGE, through tears

I'm a terrible mother.

MAGGIE

All moms should watch their kids get high

LISA

I'm thinking about bats again

FLANDERS

I think you put watermelon lokos in this. Kudos to Apu.

MAGGIE

Apu must have graced our bong again

LISA

Praise be to him

FLANDERS

I'm going to stay here a while and smoke your weed, you cool?

MAGGIE

Our dad quit, so go ahead.

FLANDERS

What?

FLANDERS

Who could quit when you have hits as coppery as this.

MAGGIE

Copper Diesel is the new shit

LISA

I read it in High Times

FLANDERS, exhaling

I'm gonna go in the kitchen and lick my lips for a bit.

MAGGIE

Flanders chilled out.

LISA

Ned's good now.

FLANDERS, aside

Phew. I can't compete with hits this coppery. I need to steal this piece. I have Nelson in my basement producing spice.

FLANDERS

If I can give him this grav bong, he can analyze it, and make a THC analogue that will make me rich..then I can buy a real dub.

[Int. Flanders' basement]
NELSON, under breath

I hate my new dad. I hate my new dad. I hate my new dad. I hate my new dad.

FLANDERS

Could I borrow this bottle? I wanna figure out the science behind it

MAGGIE

It's simple you fucking dolt. A vacuum effect.

FLANDERS

Ah, I...I just don't really get those vocabulary words. I wanna see it myself. You know.

MAGGIE

This is our piece.

LISA

Yeah

MAGGIE

I thought you were chill now?

FLANDERS

I want to support myself, just trying to learn more about weed.

LISA

Bugger off then

FLANDERS

Can I spend the night?

MAGGIE

And eat our snacks?

LISA

Contribute once in a while, won't ya?

FLANDERS

I'm going to throw a fit

FLANDERS

Fuck this. I'm lying down on the couch.

MAGGIE

Bye

MARGE

Please calm down everyone. Calm down and keep smoking.

BART enters

Mom. What the fuck is dad's problem?

MARGE

Language, Bart.

BART

This is serious. He's sober.

MARGE

It's a phase

BART

He's smoking swisher cigars.

MARGE

I can't handle any more of this. I'm going to explode.

BART

You smoked too much today

MARGE

I'm freaking the fuck out. I can feel my heart pounding out of my chest. I need to sit down.

BART

I saw people die over there. Relax

MARGE

Stop bringing up your tour in the middle east.

BART

I'm just saying. You've seen nothing.

MARGE

Oh god, oh my fucking god. Help me.

MARGE, heaving

Help me please. Oh my god.

BART

This is dad's fault. All of this is dad's fault. I'll never forgive him.

[Marge sobs]

BART

Sisters.

LISA

What?

BART

I've been home ten minutes. Yet...I haven't had a hit?

MAGGIE

Take one. This grav bong is sweet.

BART, exhaling

This is..is this Apu's work? I've tasted this somewhere before.

MAGGIE

It's good shit

BART

Why am I shaking? What is this?

BART

Why is dad's razor on the floor?

MAGGIE

He probably dropped it from being too sober

LISA

He's not used to having motor skills.

BART

This is sketchy.

MAGGIE

Keep smoking. There's a new digital short I want to show you.

BART

No, no, something is wrong here.

BART

I'm going to the gazebo.

MARGE

Bart, don't.

BART

Why?

MARGE

Don't go in there.

BART

What are you hiding, wench?

[Marge sobs]

BART

What am I going to see when I go into that Gazebo?

MARGE

Bart, don't.

BART

Get the fuck off me!

[Bart exits]

MARGE

Oh fuck!

[int. Gazebo. Apu's body lays sprawled out on a lawn chair, a trail of blood dripping to the floor]
BART

Holy shit. [lights joint]

BART

Mother?

MARGE

Bart I-

BART

Did you kill this guy?

MARGE

No b-

BART

Are you pieces of shit smoking legal bud again?

BART

This isn't good. You know that right? We won't get away with this. Fuck. Fuck, mother. I'm going to have to take the blame for this.

MARGE

It wasn't me. I swear.

BART

Who else was in this house?

MARGE

Oh my god

BART

Who was it?

MARGE

You're going to kill him.

BART

Tell me who did this.

MARGE

I need time. I can't describe what happened.

BART

Wait. Did I see Flanders on the couch? Holy shit.

MARGE

Bart, no.

BART

Fuck this

[Bart exits gazebo. Marge looks once again at Apu. She begins panicking, while continuously ripping a pipe]

[ext. Springfield elementary]
HOMER

Hey, kid.

MARTIN

Mr. Simpson! What are you doing here?

HOMER

You want to toke it?

MARTIN

...yes

HOMER

I got a bag for you, 2 grams, $60.

MARTIN

That's pricey.

HOMER

Take it or leave it.

MARTIN

...I'll take it.

MARTIN

This is just stems and seeds?

HOMER

This is coveted. Chewing stems makes you high as shit. Plus you can grow. Now beat it.

MARTIN

Give me my money back!

HOMER

I have to feed my family. Get lost.

MARTIN

I'm telling my dad.

HOMER

You'll tell no one if I kill ya

MARTIN

You used to be chill, Mr. Simpson.

HOMER

Things change. I'm a working man now. Eat your stems.

HOMER

I kind of want to smoke.

BENDER

Be my guest? I don't give a shit. You smoke all the time.

HOMER

I'm sober now.

BENDER

Since when?

HOMER

Six hours ago.

BENDER

That's enough for a good tolerance break.

HOMER

It's not a T-break.

BENDER

Listen, I don't give a shit about your problems. I just deliver stems for you to sell to children.

HOMER

Kids need real pot.

HOMER

little kids need REAL kush to smoke or else they'll be ripped off all their lives. They'll be smoking regs when they're 30.

BENDER

Not my problem. I fucking sell regs.

HOMER

Yeah, you're kind of a prick for that.

BENDER

Go away

HOMER

no

BENDER

Go away you mean guy

HOMER

I'm mean when I'm sober, deal with it.

LENNY

The merchant's cherry has been snuffed out.

CARL

By the hand of a desperate toker.

BUMBLE BEE MAN

¿Cuándo terminará?

BART, holding a knife

Get the fuck up Flanders

FLANDERS

Bart?

BART

I'm going to kill your ass

FLANDERS

But why?

BART

You drained my family's precious grav bong, and now you've desecrated our gazebo with a corpse. You are the least chill.

FLANDERS

There's a corpse in the gazebo?

BART

You get so high you don't remember killing a man? Are you that lightweight? [exhales hit]

FLANDERS

I might be a lightweight but I'm not a fucking murderer. You're projecting. Maybe you did it.

BART

What?

FLANDERS

You're a trained killer. You probably miss it.

BART

That's fucked up.

FLANDERS

It's true. You're a machine.

FLANDERS

You're in denial. Maybe that's why this happened. you're trying to repress it, and now it manifests in a real murder.

BART

Why would I kill on American Soil?

FLANDERS

Maybe you're a psycho. Maybe you were too high. Maybe you're just a racist.

BART

I'm not a fucking racist.

FLANDERS

You're a killer, though.

BART

I've killed many, true but-

FLANDERS

What's one more to you?

BART

I need another hit.

FLANDERS

You killed him.

BART

I need to smoke, right now.

FLANDERS

Admit it.

BART

Fuck off!

FLANDERS

With pleasure. This family is fucked up. I miss my son, and don't want you to kill me too. Goodbye.

BART

What have I done?

MAGGIE

Why are we in this closet?

LISA

We're hotboxing it.

MAGGIE

With weed?

LISA

What else, dear sister of mine? What else.

MAGGIE

[lighting bowl] That grav bong is hitting intensely.

LISA

It's an intense high, i can barely move. It tickles.

MAGGIE

I know why dad licked his lips all the time now.

LISA

Father....did he take one toke too many?

MAGGIE

I love him...

LISA

Guess what I just found [exhales]

MAGGIE

What?

LISA

This was my first roach.

MAGGIE

It's drier than bird bones

LISA

Stop!

LISA

This takes me back. Bart, Ken Father and Mother...and me...before you were born.

MAGGIE

Even then?

LISA

We toked almost nonstop.

LISA

We'd sit in the treehouse, watching the gazebo get built. We passed joint after joint.

MAGGIE

No bongs yet?

LISA

Just Js.

MAGGIE

What was it like?

LISA

We always tried to keep a patch of sky above our lives...

MAGGIE

Proust?

LISA

We read Proust.

MAGGIE

All of it?

LISA

We sat down, smoked weed and read the entire thing.

MAGGIE

What happened?

LISA

...We smoked too much. We fiended.

MAGGIE

But you were already smoking all the time?

LISA

We'd get high off one joint, then smoke another 3 hours later.

MAGGIE

Damn.

LISA

After a while, father started to bring burlap sacks of kush home every day. We were smoking nonstop. We got three bongs. The cat died.

LISA

We knew we'd always have bud. We cleaned our pieces daily, we never would have needed resin...we never imagined that happening.

MAGGIE

I'm going to cry.

LISA

Sister, it was heaven for a while but...we stopped caring about art. We stopped really talking.

LISA

We were constantly scheming to get higher than one another. One time mother got so high that she ran into the woods for three days.

LISA

But still, when we were together, it was good...you remember. We loved each other. We just couldn't stop re-upping. We couldn't stop..

LISA

Then, the terrorists struck... they knocked those towers down and our family was destroyed.

MAGGIE

Brother Bart went away...

LISA

Why did this shit happen to us? Why couldn't we live in Croatia or something?

MAGGIE

I don't know. Maybe it was fate.

LISA

Fate...

LISA

Was it fate that our brother became an instrument of death? That our father now smokes swishers?

MAGGIE

I don't know. Maybe.

LISA

I just wish we could go back. Back to when weed was fun. We'd just get high and laugh a lot. We never asked for any of this, sister.

MAGGIE

Lisa?

LISA

Yes, sister?

MAGGIE

It's not a microphone.

LISA

Oh-sorry [takes big fat hit]

INMATE

Ken, we need some help over in G Block, can you help out?

KEN

Sure, no problem.

INMATE

Thanks bro

INMATE

The cord on the buffer is tangled. It's in the utility closet. I'll wait over here.

KEN

Cool. Be right back.

[KEN enters the utility closet. Someone shuts the door. INMATE 2 comes up behind him and wraps a garrote around his throat]
INMATE 2: Officer Wiggum sends his regards, you rat fuck.
[KEN manages to rasp out "Marijuana has torn this family apart" before succumbing to death]
HOMER

[exhales Mango Grape Mist Swisher Sweet smoke] I'm starting to feel good about my life. Quitting weed was the right thing to do.

HOMER

I want to go home to see my beautiful family. I love them more than ever now that I'm sober. My mind is clear and I love my wife.

HOMER

Everything is getting better. The winds of sobriety have dispersed the fog of kush malaise. I love being alive.

HOMER

[exhales Swisher smoke] What the fuck?

MARGE

Homer, let me explain.

HOMER

Dear God. Dear God. Jesus fucking Christ.

MARGE

Please

HOMER

What did you to do him? What did you do to my beautiful friend?

MARGE

Something bad happened

HOMER

He's dead... He's fucking dead

MARGE

Moe... He... He came over to blaze.

HOMER

What was Moe doing here?

MARGE

Doesn't matter... He... got in a fight with Apu

MARGE

Moe was high out of his mind. He shouldn't smoke hash.

HOMER

He was in my home? Smoking my family's hash?

MARGE

You quit smoking

HOMER

Maybe I shouldn't have. Even when I was smoking an ounce a day it was never this bad. Maybe sobriety was a mistake.

MARGE

This isn't your fault, Homer. Moe was unhinged. He was lonely. Apu was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

MARGE

This isn't your fault, Homer. Moe was unhinged. He was lonely. Apu was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

HOMER

Why aren't the cops here yet?

MARGE

I didn't call yet.

HOMER

What the fuck? What is wrong with you people?

MARGE

I'm so faded.

WIGGUM

Thanks for calling, Homer. Unfortunately I have some more bad news. We found Moe's body on the way over here. Self inflicted gunshot

HOMER

When will this violence end?

MARGE

[sobbing]

WIGGUM

[aside] This all worked out pretty well for me

HOMER

What?

WIGGUM

Nothing.

HOMER

How could you let this happen, Marge?

MARGE

I need to keep smoking.

HOMER

You're pathetic.

MARGE

Don't push your sobriety on me

MARGE

Everyone knows it's not going to last.

HOMER

Fuck you.

MARGE

You're a bad father.

HOMER

You let my friends die.

MARGE

Go smoke your fruity little cigars.

HOMER

They're cigarillos.

MARGE

They're shit.

HOMER

They make me happy.

HOMER

I smoke them because they help me relax. It's not about the flavors.

MARGE

I saw your flavor chart. Stop lying.

HOMER

Leave me alone.

MARGE

You used to appreciate the complex natural aromas of kush.

WIGGUM

I have to go. Sorry about your friends.

MAGGIE

Hello?

VOICE

Hello, are you related to Ken Simpson?

MAGGIE

That's my brother, yes.

VOICE

There's been an incident.

VOICE

We need someone to come down to the county morgue to identify a body.

MAGGIE

[drops phone]

VOICE

Ms. Simpson?

MAGGIE

No.... no....

BART

Since my return the world has only grown darker. I thought I could repair them and myself. But my return was just the final blow

BART

These innocents are suffering for my crimes. President Bush has announced a troop surge in Iraq. PMC services will be in demand.

BART

I'll talk to my contacts at Blackwater. I must return to that treacherous region. I cannot cause any more suffering at home.

GUARD

Sir, the people are trying to tear down the compound gates.

MILLHOUSE

Christ almighty this feels like it might be the end

GUARD

The people on TV are calling it "The Arab Spring." We don't have the manpower to stop the protesters.

MILLHOUSE

Go home to your wife

MILLHOUSE

I dug my own grave. You guards don't deserve to die for my hubris and greed.

GUARD

What will you do sir?

MILLHOUSE

[lights huge blunt] I'm staying here. These people deserve justice

GUARD

Sir...

MILLHOUSE

Go to your family. You owe me nothing

MILLHOUSE

May this "Arab Spring" end the long winter of suffering at the hands of profiteers and warmongers such as myself. [hits blunt]

HOMER

Suddenly my son and two friends have vanished from the earth. How I miss my fragrant kush! But I will stay strong.

HOMER

Although I want more than anything to spark a fat blunt, I will continue to puff on this weedless cigarillo.

HOMER

If I give in I will lose everything. What remains of my life depends on these fruity Swishers.

HOMER

Dear God give me the strength to smoke these Swisher Sweet blunts until the end of my life. I want to be sober forever.

MARGE

My son is dead, strangled in the bowels of a corrupt prison. My husband's friends are dead. My other son is going to Iraq.

MAGGIE AND LISA

[simultaneously] One brother, dead. The other, violent, aloof. Our father, struggling with sobriety. What will become of us

HOMER

I need Swishers

BART

I need to kill

MARGE

I miss my son

MAGGIE

I don't feel safe

LISA

I need to get higher

MARGE

This family

LISA AND MAGGIE

We need

BART

Marijuana, Marijuana

HOMER

Swisher

LISA AND MAGGIE

Marijuana, marijuana

HOMER

Swisher

HOMER

Swisher

MARGE

The marijuana plant

HOMER

Sober

BART

Weed smoke washes

MARGE

The blood from his hands

LENNY

This fallen family

CARL

This fallen family

MARGE

We need the herb

CARL

They need the herb

LENNY

The marijuana herb

HOMER
♫Once I smoked these nugs of green,
Family torn, Family ripped,
Like the bong.My teenage son despairs. My teenage son despairs
MARGE

♫ Homer! O, Homer! Thou innocent stoner. ♫

LISA AND MAGGIE

♫He's sober, He's sober.

MARGE

♫He's dead to this world!♫

BART

♫Ours is a world of dank nugs and brown hash,

Our sober patriarch will never survive♫

Our sober patriarch will never survive♫

LISA

♫Simpson and Homer♫

MAGGIE

♫Homer is sober♫

LISA

♫Simpson and Homer♫

MAGGIE

♫Over and over♫

HOMER
♫My teenage son named Bart despairs♫
♫Toking in his room upstairs♫
HOMER
♫His violent past has hurt his mind
He endlessly seeks nugs to grind♫
♫How will we escape this bind♫
♫I miss my son
I love my son♫
HOMER
♫The Swishers soothe my aching brain.
The fruity flavors help the pain.
Every Swisher that I spark
Helps to illuminate the dark♫
HOMER
♫They killed my son♫
♫They killed my son♫
♫They killed my son♫
♫They killed my son♫
♫They killed my son♫
♫They killed my son♫
BART
♫I'm going to Iraq
To do a gun attack
I'm high on marijuana
And horrified by what I've done
I'm high on marijuana
I horrify myself!♫
BART
♫My life is a nightmare♫
MAGGIE
♫His life is a nightmare♫
BART
♫My life is a nightmare♫
FLANDERS
Listen, son. I know how you can make coppery spice.
NELSON

How?

FLANDERS

You need human blood.

NELSON

That's beyond fucked.

FLANDERS

It will make us rich.

NELSON

I can't kill! I Just want to smoke.

FLANDERS

We can buy our own dubs. Re can roll our own joints.

NELSON

Father, I can't do it.

FLANDERS

You'll stay in this dark basement making spice forever then. Goodnight, shitstain.

NELSON

...

NELSON, crying

♫My new dad is an awful guy

He'll do anything to get high

I just want a little love

and a fresh hit of sticky bud♫

NELSON

♫Somebody somewhere

Save me from strife

I'm locked in a basement

producing some spice♫

NELSON

♫I want a real father

So I won't be alone

I want a true father

To roll me a bone

But I stay alone

I stay alone

I stay alone♫

BURNS, in shadows

♫You've got brains kid

I can't tell a lie

You've got what it takes

To keep this town high♫

NELSON

Who are you?

BURNS

I can be the world to you, young one. I can save you.

NELSON

Do you have bud?

BURNS

A tanker full

NELSON

How did you get in here? How do you know me?

BURNS

Flanders brought your shit to me. Not bad for an amateur.

NELSON

I want weed

BURNS

I can give you pot.

NELSON

I want love. I want love and marijuana.

BURNS

I'll keep you fucking high, come with me.

NELSON

But...my new dad.

BURNS

I'm your dad now. And I love you.

NELSON

I.....

BURNS

I'll treat you right, Nelson.

NELSON and BURNS

♫Like father and son

Our love is the future

The family bong

Will rip all night long

Father and son

Daddy and boy and weed♫

BURNS, aside

I secured the poor kid. We'll have copper spice in no time.

SMITHERS

That's cool. He's cool and so are you.

BURNS

You high?

SMITHERS

You're just a really cool guy. I'm glad you called me. What do you wanna talk about now?

BURNS

Nothing. I need to hang up.

SMITHERS, via text

You're cool man thanks for being my friend. You're smart too.

BURNS

This guy sucks.

NELSON

He's high and I'm not

[NEXT DAY]
BURNS

Everyone. This is my boy Nelson. He's not very easy on the eyes, but he makes god spice.

NELSON

And I smoke like a pro.

BENDERS

I hate this ugly kid.

SONIC

I sold stems to his dad for $120. He lost his house. I can't look at this mess.

CLOWN MAN

Fuck him.

BURNS

Now, Nelson, I know you know the secret to the Copper Diesel. Why don't you make some for us?

NELSON

Uhh...let me smoke first...

BURNS

I told you, I'll let you rip a bong once you produce the finest fake bud for us to sell. Now get to work you ugly shit. I love you.

BURNS

I love you, you poor piece of crap. you smell like shit and I love you. You will have so much weed if you do this for us, fucker.

BURNS

Stop looking at me like that. I'm your dad, but I'm also a business man. I need to run this town. You know that. Now make the spice.

BENDERS

I'm worried about the escalation in the middle east.

SONIC

The people there know what's good for them, just leave it to them

BENDERS

I think we should intervene.

SONIC

I don't. It's their business. The people of Egypt are full of hope.

BENDERS

They need us.

SONIC

Why? So we can get a foot in their economy? [exhales hit] Egypt is fine without us. They're doing good.

BENDERS

They're a mess.

SONIC

Just smoke and relax. The crisis in the middle east will resolve itself.

BENDERS

We need troops over there. And weapons.

SONIC

I think we should cut off ties with Israel

BENDERS

What the fuck?

SONIC

It's imperialism

BENDERS

You sick fuck. You sick man.

BENDERS

♫Israel is heaven on Earth♫

SONIC

♫chill out and just smoke some herb♫

BENDERS

♫Israel won't fall with America's help♫

BENDERS

♫Israel can never do wrong♫

SONIC

♫Shut up and rip on this bong♫

BENDERS

♫The IDF

Justifies death

Israel is heaven on Earth♫

BENDERS

♫Can't I be Israeli?

Can't I be chosen?

My life here is meaningless

Israel is my sweet mistress♫

SONIC

Okay, I'm done, just take a plane to Israel. Go live there, you monster.

BENDERS

You're an anti-semite. Israel is definitely good.

BENDERS

I'm leaving, you're right. I'm going to move to Israel, join the IDF and fight God's Battle. Goodbye.

SONIC

Don't bic me.

NELSON

I've gone through three dads in a year, is it worth smoking? I just think about pot all fucking day, it's driving me insane.

NELSON

I'm gullible. I'm weak and dependent. I just want a father figure. And I want someone to supply me with weed. Is it too much?

NELSON

I was always jealous of Bart. His dad coming home with big moneybags full of kush. We were lucky to smoke mids in my trailer.

NELSON

Am I a fool? How'd I get into this mess? How can one plant have this much control over me? But god damn, it tastes so sweet.

NELSON

I wonder what those cigarillos Homer smokes taste like...I wonder, if I smoke them, will I be more like him? Will I belong?

NELSON

I'm fat. I'm balding already. I smell like shit. I want to fucking kill myself. I want to die. My only friends are online.

NELSON

My only two friends, who are online, haven't responded to my steam messages in 6 weeks. They hate me. They know I'm ugly.

BURNS

Ugly boy! Come to the lab. We're just getting sta-

WIGGUM

Freeze, scum.

NELSON

Dad!

WIGGUM

Don't move, shitty kid.

BURNS

My god. Wiggum? You've turned?

WIGGUM

This town has gone too far.

BURNS

You were my #1 customer.

WIGGUM

That's over.

WIGGUM

Yeah. I love fluffy buds. They rule. They... they really rule. But I can't let Simpson City be a drug capital. Not now. Not ever.

BURNS

You're making a mistake.

WIGGUM

You're going to jail.

BURNS

You'll miss it.

WIGGUMS

You can always get pot.

BURNS

Not in my city

NELSON

You can't arrest my new dad! He loves my ugly mug!

WIGGUM

He's using you, kid.

NELSON

He loves me! You're evil!

WIGGUM

No!

NELSON, with knife

I'll-I'll kill you Wiggum!

WIGGUM

I'm doing something good here! He's a bad man!

NELSON

HE LOVES ME!

WIGGUM

AH!!!

[Nelson plunges the dagger deep into Wiggum's spine. It causes convulsions. Wiggum shrieks in pain and falls to the floor, weezing]
[Wiggum tries to stand up, tries to control his body but the knife, laced with THC, is causing his muscles to tense up. He's screaming]
[Nelson stands over the body, still twitching, still making primal noises, and watches the result of his fateful decision. A man is dying]
NELSON

Fuck.

BURNS

Holy shit...You're a good son. Are you okay?

NELSON

I killed him.

BURNS

He was a pig. They all have it coming.

NELSON

I... I guess I can make the spice now...

BURNS

Yeah...

NELSON

It's.. it's pretty easy...

BURNS

My son is a murderer.

BURNS

♫My new son killed a cop

My new son killed a cop

A cop died from my son

A cop died from my son

My ugly boy killed a policeman♫

BART

I'm going to join a PMC.

MAGGIE

That's fucked up. You sold your soul.

BART

I can't stop killing, even with bud.

LISA

I'll miss you brother.

BART

I can't wait to kill again.

MARGE

My son is insane.

BART

I might join the French Foreign Legion

MAGGIE

Let's smoke again.

LISA

One more time.

BART

I'm already high, and honestly I don't care. I'm leaving now, family. Goodbye.

MAGGIE

Stoned.

LISA

I am high, missin my brother

MARGE

Bones to go around. weed smoke in my face. life is good but bart is gone

HOMER

♫One son dead

One son's a killer♫

♫My daughters are disturbed

I need to smoke that Swisher♫

HOMER

♫The Swisher is my new addiction

Doesn't get me high♫

♫Marijuana is an affliction

Destroy your family♫

♫It hurts your sons

HOMER

♫Tiny little fruity cigar

Flavorful. My son's at war♫

♫He's killing men he doesn't know

Best flavor swisher is campfire s'mores♫

HOMER

♫I miss my family

My son's deceased♫

♫I miss my family

Where's my son♫

♫Dead in jail

The criminals took my son♫

♫Son is dead♫

HOMER

♫I want my boy back

I miss that dead boy♫

♫He was murdered in prison

Strangled by a criminal♫

♫Now he's gone forever

I love you Ken♫

HOMER

♫My son Ken used to brighten my world,

Now he's cold and dead in a grave downtown♫

♫The boy's in his grave

His final resting place♫

HOMER

♫The boy's in his grave

His final resting place♫

♫The boy's in his grave

His final resting place♫

♫The boy's in his grave

HOMER

♫More than anything

I miss my son♫

♫He was strangled by a drug dealer

Inside of a closet♫

♫Next to a toolbox

HOMER

♫My boy Bart he loves to kill

CARL AND LENNY

♫Loves to kill

Loves to kill♫

HOMER

♫Piling up the bodies in a terrible hill

HOMER

♫He shoots the men & stabs them dead

CARL AND LENNY

♫Stabs them dead

Stabs them dead♫

HOMER

♫Their ghosts will roam his spiky head

HOMER

♫One son is dead

♫One son's a killer

♫I'm smoking this Swisher

♫I'm smoking this Swisher

♫I need it to live

♫I need it to live

BART

♫Take a hit

Take a life♫

♫There's no difference

For a man like me♫

♫I am a monster

I murder and toke♫

♫I am a monster

BART

♫I've caused so much pain

I've caused so much death♫

♫The weed helps me rest

The weed helps me rest♫

BART

♫My mind is ablaze

With the screams of my victims♫

♫I sit here and blaze

To silence their cries

♫The blueberry kush

Will keep me alive♫

LISA

♫Our brother's a killer

MAGGIE

Our father is sober♫

LISA

♫Our mother is desperate

MAGGIE

Our brother's a corpse♫

MAGGIE AND LISA

♫Underneath the city

Our brother's skeleton screams♫

♫He wants to be alive

He was murdered by a drug dealer in prison♫

LISA

I see my brother's ghost in my dreams

MAGGIE

He screams at us through the veil of sleep

BART

Everything around me smells like blood.

BART

Do you smell that?

IRAQI SHOPKEEPER

[shrugs]

BART

Do you smell the blood?

SHOPKEEPER

[shrugs]

BART

I smell it. Always.

BART

Even through the dank kush aroma I sense the metallic tang of freshly spilled blood

CNN

Iraqi President Sharif Millhouse was assassinated this morning. His body was dragged through the streets.

HOMER

This is insane.

MARGE

Lisa! Maggie! Come here! Millhouse has been killed

LISA

Did Bart do this?

MARGE

It was protesters. They're calling it "Arab Spring"

MAGGIE

Turn it off... it's horrifying

MARGE

It's history. You need to see it.

LISA

I'll always remember where I was when Millhouse died

HOMER

I'm getting my own apartment. I can't be around these drugs. I need to stay sober.

MARGE

Millhouse was killed.

HOMER

Yeah.

HOMER

He was a tyrant and a murderer

MARGE

He was our son's friend

HOMER

He was an unbridled piece of shit. He had to go.

MARGE

You've changed

HOMER

Sometimes it doesn't make sense to be chill.

MARGE

He was just a boy

HOMER

He was 24.

HOMER

He sold hash to Al Qaeda

MARGE

I didn't know that

HOMER

It was fucked up

MARGE

That is really fucked up

BURNS

My boy did good by me. And now we have a pound of copper diesel to sell.

SMITHERS

That's good. But he seems to be going batshit.

BURNS

That kid goes insane any time he passes a mirror. It's true, his only friends are online. He doesn't even have a cellphone.

SMITHERS, lighting blunt

I think he's cool.

BURNS

I'd rather you not stand here and talk to me as you toke. Please leave.

SMITHERS

Nelson. Wanna toke?

NELSON

I'm sober, so, obviously?

SMITHERS

I want to share my weed with you.

NELSON

I have my first dub

SMITHERS

That's good.

NELSON

Yeah it's what da-Mr. Flanders always wanted. Just one dub.

SMITHERS

Sir?

NELSON

What?

SMITHERS

This is a .8 dub...

NELSON

You're telling me this is only .8 of one gram?

SMITHERS

Sir...

NELSON

Fuck!

[ext. WIGGUM house]
MRS. WIGGUM

Flanders? What are you doing here?

FLANDERS

I heard about your loss. I'm sorry. He was a good man.

MRS. WIGGUM

My husband was a narc, I won't miss him.

FLANDERS

That's...fucked.

MRS. WIGGUM

I need a man who can smoke with my fat son.

FLANDERS

Can I see the young Wiggum? I can pass it for a few minutes, just to see how he is. Man to man.

MRS. WIGGUM

Discipline my boy.

FLANDERS

Hey squirt!

YOUNG WIGGUM

Go and fuck yourself, bum

FLANDERS

Chill out. I'll smoke with you.

YOUNG WIGGUM

Yeah, MY weed.

FLANDERS

I have no qualms with smoking an elementary school student's bud for free.

YOUNG WIGGUM

Sure, take a hit, jesus christ.

FLANDERS

This is a pretty nice house. I can see myself mowing that lawn...fuck i'm blazed.

YOUNG WIGGUM

Please don't mow my dad's lawn.

FLANDERS

Your dad isn't here, kid, my son killed him. My rotten ex-son.

WIGGUM

That kid has issues.

FLANDERS

Tell me about it [exhales]

MRS. WIGGUM

Isn't this nice... It's nice to have a real man passing it on the couch with my son...it almost feels like a home again.

MRS WIGGUM

You're gonna give me a hit too, right?

FLANDERS

Of course. I'm a gentlemen.

MRS. WIGGUM

My gradeschool kid gets good bud

FLANDERS

You got a handsome boy...smart too. Better take good care of him.

YOUNG WIGGUM

Can you leave now?

MRS. WIGGUM

Stop it!

MRS. WIGGUM

Flanders, step outside with me.

[ext. Wiggum back yard]

FLANDERS

Could use a good mowing.

MRS. WIGGUM

You're a nice man.

MRS. WIGGUM

I've known you for so long. I know you always just wanted to settle down. You've made mistakes but we all have. You're lonely.

FLANDERS

Every man takes the limits of his own field of vision for the limits of the world.

MRS. WIGGUM

Exactly... [rips bong] Exactly.

MRS. WIGGUM

But...I can offer you my field of vision too.

FLANDERS

You can expand my horizons.

MRS. WIGGUM

I can give you everything.

FLANDERS, strolling, hands in pockets

I can picture a gazebo here.

MRS. WIGGUM

Jumping the gun a little bit? [she giggles]

FLANDERS

Heh..

FLANDERS

After 9/11, I knew anything could happen. I just wanted a son. And weed, of course, by the way, pass it. I tried to take all that.

FLANDERS

Green passion surges through my veins, directing me to the nearest lit piece, and ripping me apart inside.

FLANDERS

I'm. I'm a mess inside, I don't know if I'm up to the task of a family. But I know I WANT to try. Maybe it's the weed talking...

FLANDERS

But, here it is, being laid out in front of me, an opportunity not to take for myself but to offer myself to wholseome tokers.

FLANDERS

I think it's worth a shot.

MRS. WIGGUM

I'm only thinking about my boy

FLANDERS

A healthy pot smoking boy to call my own...

FLANDERS

♫Alone all my life

Soiled with grief

I will soon take a wife

I will soon have a wife♫

YOUNG WIGGUM

♫What about my needs♫

FLANDERS

♫Toke by toke

puff by puff

I've gained a family through a tragic loss♫

YOUNG WIGGUM

♫I truly need help with my grievance♫

MAGGIE

Iight it

LISA

Light the joint

MARGE

Hold on...

MAGGIE

Just light the joint, it's not hard

MARGE

Hold on a second

MARGE

I miss my sons

LISA

Light it and pass it! Miss him later!!!

MARGE

My daughters are fiends, they're obsessed with pot.

MARGE, aside

I'm going to take a couple ounces and stash them. I don't trust my kids. My least favorite boy is buried, what the fuck

MARGE

My husband is sober now. The house smells like cigarillos. He's a weirdo, I don't know him anymore. But he loves us. He can help.

HOMER, on phone

Hello?

MARGE

I need your help, husband.

HOMER

What is it?

MARGE

Our daughters are fiending, bad.

HOMER

Sigh...

[LATER]
HOMER

Alright kids. This is tough for me. But I have to put a stop to this.

LISA

You're going to smoke again?

HOMER

No.

[HOMER lifts a carpet, revealing a massive recess in the floor which holds kilos of sticky bud and hash. He runs his fingers over it]
HOMER

Through me you go into a city of weeping; through me you go into eternal pain; through me you go amongst the lost people.

HOMER

Foul, plant, destroyer of things, ender of peace! This is your first and final lighting, this is the beginning and end.

HOMER

You've torn everything to shreds. I have a dead boy, a crazy boy, and two girls who beg for you incessantly. You're evil!

HOMER

Evil exists. Good and evil exist. And this is the bud of satan, the fallen angel, the betrayer of paradise, this is the serpent.

HOMER

I know now that this was all a mistake. And I will save my family from this chaos. Goodbye, pestilent devil. And good riddance!

[Homer douses the stash in gasoline, rushes his family out the door, and lights a trail. Flames engulf the pink family home]
[Neighbors rush to the street to watch the blaze, each one becoming lifted from the potent cannabis fumes. Smoke billows over Springfield]
[The sky blackens, it begins to rain, with every breath the citizens of springfield get higher and higher. People are laughing]
[Part sadness, part relief, and part just plain being blitzed. The town has a final party. A final toke. In unison. It's paradise]
[It's a temporary paradise, a break from the post-9/11 world, this mess of a planet, this scary place, the people rejoice in bud]
HOMER

Finally.

LISA

Dad...what the fuck

MAGGIE

This was drastic.

HOMER

This needed to happen.

MARGE

Homer...You're high?

HOMER, lighting swisher

It's a byproduct of my biggest act of peace and goodness. I can take solace in this blazedness for now.

HOMER

I can rest easy, knowing that my kids are safe. I love my family more than anything.

MARGE

Homer...In a way I'm proud...

LENNY

The Father Simpson's decisive moment

CARL

The sober patriarch's sacrifice

BUMBLEBEE MAN

Echo de menos la mala hierba

HOMER

All of this time I blamed my problems on the scourge of marijuana... but my addiction was only a symptom of a deeper problem

HOMER

When I think back to my adolescence, the time when I began toking herb, I now realize another monumental shift that took place

MAGGIE

Our lives are different.

LISA

I don't like it.

MAGGIE

Dad bought us a lifetime supply of swishers

LISA

They hurt

MARGE

It's been days and I think I have emphysema

LISA

I miss weed

MAGGIE

It's good for us, sister

LISA, sobbing

I want to get high.

MAGGIE

I can't appreciate Krautrock anymore

LISA

Fuck...me either

MARGE

My tastes have changed.

LISA

We should apply to college now. Let's just move on.

MAGGIE

Yeah, we've been lazy.

LISA

I think we'll have fun there.

MAGGIE

Do you

LISA

I have a friend there who goes to raves

MAGGIE

Sounds fun. I miss dancing. After the attacks...

LISA

Shhh...forget about all that.

MAGGIE

Okay. You're right. Let's go to raves.

LISA

My good college friend said she can show us a new kind of fun

MAGGIE

Cool.

MARGE

I'm worried about you sober girls.

LISA

Don't worry. [to maggie] Dount we'll stay sober long.

MAGGIE

[laughs] Don't worry mom.

MARGE

My dead boy. My killer boy. My sober girls. My sad man. I love myself not. I love myself not. My life was, and is bad.

MARGE

Handsome baby boy ken is dead. My girls are leaving. Bart? Bart is no more. I'm alone now. I'm alone but I have my stash.

MARGE

Nobody will know. Moe can't interfere now. Homer is in his own world. I can smoke alone in the woods and cry to nobody. I'll be ok.

LENNY

The daughters begin their journey.

CARL

What will lie in store?

LENNY

A crystal substance

CARL

Their teeth no more.

HOMER

My family is in shambles... For these past few years, I've blamed the herb. But I finally realize the real problem.

HOMER

In those dark days, when every night I would fall asleep to the vicious screaming of my parents, I abandoned my Roman Catholic faith.

HOMER

That Trinity, O Blessed Trinity, was replaced by the devil's trio of bong, bud, and Bic.

HOMER

My beloved bishops and priests were replaced by sullen stoned teenagers... I was drawn into Satan's maelstrom.

HOMER

Those blessed pages of the Gospel were replaced by Zig Zags and blunt wraps.

HOMER

As the marijuana smoke has cleared from my life, the Lord has revealed himself to me yet again.

HOMER

I have hidden from him too long behind these billowing clouds of kush vapor. Now I beg him to accept me back into that holy faith

HOMER

My family is destroyed. Mere sobriety and reflection will not redeem them. We will need the healing power of Christ to overcome this.

HOMER

In the bible, Job says, "I know that my redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand on the earth."

HOMER

He knew this, as I know this. Despite my period of waywardness, I know my redeemer lives. I know he will stand on this earth.

HOMER

And I know he will forgive me of my sins. I know he will help me rebuild this shattered family. I know he will fix with mess.

HOMER

Let us pray.

HOMER

Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.

HOMER

Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us,

HOMER

...and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

HOMER

For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever and ever.

HOMER

Amen.

--------------------
------END-------
--------------------